We're All In Together

Yesterday-after I woke up late (last week it would have been early), missed my chariot (bus drivers truly believe they are gods among men), and fought the hellish fires that ignited the office-I realized, yet again that I am just not on top of things in my so-called life.

I went to Philadelphia on Saturday to do some early campaigning for Baracky…okay, let me stop lying. I went to Philly to visit some friends from the good ole University and we got to talking about LIFE. And the problem with: Black folks, and kids, and the government, and religion, and men, and grape Kool-Aid and with us women folk. It was a super meeting of the minds, four Black women sacrificing sleep to save the world and ourselves. Currently we are all in different places in life, but a common theme among us was that no one (cue Alicia) had it all together yet.

We spoke of that future place, you know the one that we once envisioned we'd be living now, when we would be able to claim that we had it together. Shout “Hey Mamma I made it!” For those who don’t know, togetherness-ness includes: advance education, homeownership, career-not to be confused with a job, fabutron spouse, unlimited funds, a super genius child, fabulous shoes, clothes, hair and nails-all while having the time to save the community with our love, intellect and work in soup kitchens. For further reference think Claire Huxtable But in one way or another we were all togetherness deficient...

And the question was raised are we even qualified to help or discuss the problems of other people whilst we ourselves were still a mess?

This made me think of ministers who steal and politicians who pay for the company of ladies. And how I feel about their previous charitable campaigns in the aftermath of scandal. Were they just not qualified, or simply just human? Is not having it together a justifiable reason to sit silently on the sidelines waiting for the day to get into the game? Is perfection a prerequisite to iron the cape and fly in to save the day? Because what if total togetherness-ness is never achieved? Then what happens?

I don’t know.

I do know I do a lot of talking and thinking and reading and tv watching...and not a lot of action. I have that fear that if I were to give my opinion wrapped up in advice that upon inspection, the recipient might see the wad of gum thats holding me together. I mean really, what would I say if someone asked: “Who the F--- are you?” I surely ain’t no Claire Huxtable waking up late and running to a bus. I’m nowhere near a mountain summit, so who am I to look down and tell people what their problems are and how they should be ashamed? But maybe I am to show that it’s okay to use thread, glue or gum to keep it all together…

See You In Seven

To Cliff and Claire-Thanks for Everything!

Um. Okay. Were the Huxtables just a hoax? As a girl who was born in the early 80s and lived for Thursday nights I am a believer in the nuclear family. The Huxtables displayed many ideal factors a Black family could possess. And even though they were fictional, realistic values were there. People did live that way once, even if I didn't. But as I peer into the dating pool and speak with some of the fishes swimming about I find that my idea of a family is in a rapid meltdown. I'm a woman who wonders why type of father my husband will be because I was a girl who sang about kissing boys in trees... "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." Yet, love and marriage have both become optional for baby filled carriages. It seems that my views are from an ancient era when dinosaurs roamed and the wheel was invented.

I wonder why few men share my vision of family, didn't they also watch the Cosby Show? At the mere mention of the M-word I have witnessed sweat form on foreheads and eyes instantly become vacant while moving up towards heaven. I suppose me asking for an opinion on the subject of marriage required a consultation with the Almighty first. But it wasn't like I was planning ring shopping at Tiffany's or even expecting the question to be popped on the next date. The topic was simply conversation fodder that would allow me to see where their head was on the family thing. There is no ball busting here folks; biologically these men are keeping true to nature. There is a two-to-one female to male ratio, and men carry plenty of "seed." The reasons for marriage in the days of old no longer exist. Parents aren't arranging unions for dowries or property acquisition. Sex is readily available without having to pay a girl for her time. And having children without being shackled to a ball and chain is no longer taboo. I'm thinking that maybe it's just easier for a man to commit to his kids than to a wife. Arrangements that only require daddies to write monthly checks and maintain bi-weekly visits seem to work for the parents of today. With deadbeat status avoided a baby daddy can proudly profess "I take care of my kids!" Yes LeRoy, and your award is on the way.

So why get married?

In an age of Maury Povich paternity shows, in which today's guest is here to test her third potential father, I long for a less complicated time. I'm not naive to the fact that back in the day wives creeped out on their husbands, and this might have resulted in their men raising children that weren't theirs. I'm sure there were cases of complex family relations-but I like to think those weren't the accepted norm. Now it seems that everyone wants to be a playa, dealing with baby drama while never having to commit to a co-parent. Why stay and endure even during the tough times when you don't have to? But it means something to me that I was able to see all my grandparents celebrate a Golden Anniversary after 50 years of marriage. Is it an archaic desire to want a man to commit to me and our family? Maybe.

And even beyond commitment, when our child has a fever in the middle of the night I want us both to freak out and call our mommas. I don't want him to explain to me that it's not a big deal because he's already seen this with Junior, and baby momma #1 handled it by... I would like to build a life with someone at the same time and on the same foundation. I know that life isn't a neatly scripted sitcom-my parents never made it to half of the married years of their parents. but I still believe in the power of nuclear. In a time when everyone is opting to leave when things get difficult will my generation celebrate Golden anniversaries after 10 years? I hope not. I might be the last girl beliving in the Huxtables but I think I can have a marriage that even Cliff and Claire would be envious of.

See You in Seven