The Dates of Hazzard

So, once when I was about 17 years old, my older cousin who is like a big brother to me, remarked the following whilst I was driving, “you drive on the offense, like you’re waiting for things to happen. You need to learn how to drive defensively and anticipate their actions. You know you gotta drive for the other people.”

So for some reason this has been one of those things that stuck with me and while it definitely made me a better driver – as I debate daily whether to remove myself completely from this dating pool, or just stick my feet in, or stay in the shallow end (can’t get my hair wet), or just say f-it and cannon ball on in – my cousin’s words have me thinking not about driving, but dating. Now follow me as I beat this metaphor like a dead horse (oh wait that’s a simile) and get my Carrie Bradshaw on and ask the following: Do you date on the offensive or the defensive?

Now after having this epiphany, I had to figure out what in the hell I was tryna say – cause when I tried to told Minty and Dark n Stormy about this concept, they were both like, “say whaaaa?!?!” Stormy immediately recognized the offensive dating part. Minty could kinda see where I was going with it. But what I was thinking was…

Defensive dating involves bringing all your past baggage, hurt, pain, pre-conceived notions to the next person you meet/encounter/exchange numbers with/go on a first date with/start to dig/wanna maybe build something with. And the next person. And the next. Anticipating their moves, in the same way you just knooow that erratic driver you been watching weave through lanes is gonna jump in front of you and not use their blinker – so you fall back a little to give them needed space while simultaneously cussing em out, “like so you just gonna get over huh?” Even though you knew it was coming! So yeah you just know that this nig is not gonna call you when he says he will. Can’t be trusted. Is full of bull followed by that ish. Will probably cheat on you. Wants to hit it on the first night (well that one’s probably true). Tee hee. But here you go doing the dating for them.

Stormy brought the idea of offensive dating into focus and I’ll spin it like this, that here in this modern day, post the one house phone and no call waiting era, when public phones are non existent, and when strangers can see each other without leaving their living rooms, there are women adhering to traditional dating methods. A man needs to ask me out. He needs to call me. He needs to choose me. I'm not gonna put myself out there. Oh no. Before I do that, I'd rather just stay home and wait for my man to come a-knocking. Well unless it’s gonna be the pizza guy – logic says you need to get out in the world.

And not necessarily go for every guy you see – but place yourself in situations that you enjoy (lectures, art shows, the club, happy hours, volunteer activities) and if there's a guy you fancy, step to him, see if there's mutual interest (don't be no fool now and start sweatin him - key word is mutual), but don't be afraid to put in some effort, make it known that you're available – I’m just guessing here of course because obviously I’m still single – but I feel compelled to follow in the steps of other single Black women and develop random/common sense type dating theories to share with the masses. Now, y'all me know if it works! And be sure to give me a shout out in the wedding toasts!

There are obvious problems with both approaches. Offensive dating leaves things up to chance. And while timing is a huge factor in finding the “one,” um, you have to leave the house. The same way you have to keep your eyes on the road and notice that there are cars up ahead that are braking before the car in front of you brakes. Defensive dating is dangerous because…well the reasons are pretty clear – I mean you’re not getting to know the person in front of you if you bring all the other peope who done did you wrong to the first date, hello, or smile. It’s like, maybe the car will surprise you and not just hop their happy ass on over. Maybe they’ll signal. And maybe they’ll give you the wave! Hey now! Wasn’t that a pleasant surprise?

I can say that there are times when I've done both. Sat on the sidelines, on some Jesus work it out and send me a man. And I've made presumptions and assumptions when I finally am with a man. If there's a happy medium, I haven't developed a clever name for it yet - but it involves dating with both eyes on the road, being actively on the lookout for others, and being willing to let them in.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

A Raging Road Scholar

Have you ever been driving and wondered what the hell the person in front of you did to get their drivers license?? (no one in the earthly realm would have been so foolish to approve them for road travel…right?...RIGHT?!) The person in front of you doesn’t seem to know the rules of the road. They drive too slow, don’t signal or have had their signal on for the last 10 miles, and are driving with their headlights off at 8:45 in the evening. You finally get a chance to pass them and when you look over, you notice they are texting on their Crackberry, reading the Washington Post, putting on make-up, smoking a Newport, and eating an extra long chili cheese coney from Sonic, all while noddin their head to the treble of Common’s Punch Drunk Love blasting from their crappy system.

I think I’m a pretty good driver. Matter of fact, I know I am. I give the courtesy wave when someone lets me over, I’ve gotten one speeding ticket in my whole driving career and I never have been in an accident. (intentionally hitting jaywalking pedestrians doesn’t count does it? But hey, they stepped out there all willy nilly like, they saw me coming and looked at me like I was supposed to stop…so I asked myself WWJD…and before I came to a conclusion…BAM…over the hood they went and then under my back tires as I backed up to see what was the damage) I know everyone is not as cautious in their driving as I am, but there are some things people are just supposed to know and do!

To further prove my point that there are idiots on the road a study shows that out of the 50 states and the nation’s capital, DC, MD, and VA ranked in the bottom 11 for the country’s worst drivers. With DC being ranked 50 out of 51, MD at 42 and VA at 40. Well the test was not based on actual driving, but rather on the knowledge of common sense traffic rules and regulations. I understand knowledge of the rules doesn’t necessarily directly collate to how people really drive, but I’ll bet my left lugnut that the bottom 10 states on the list have a higher rate of accidents per capita than any other state.

So here is my proposal. Everyone must take the written exam and the pass the little driving obstacle course (VA drivers got it too easy) every 2-3 years or at least at the period when your license expires. When your license expires, you should take the exams again to make sure you're up to date on traffic rules and regs and so someone else (not your nearly blind mama) can evaluate your driving.

Can’t pass the exams? - You can’t get your license! Period.

There shouldn’t be much of a problem since everyone is suppose to get better with experience. Afterall, Isn't it the “experienced” drivers that are masters of steering with their knees while eating their Taco Bell Chalupas? And yet it's these same “experienced” drivers who are also involved in the most accidents. It just seems like anyone can get a license if they know how to open the car door or have played Grand Theft Auto on their PS3. Sorry, I just aint cool being on the same road with you! Forgive me for wanting to get to where I'm going without incident. And many of you people are making that hard for me! Maybe my proposal will educate folks, and have them take driving seriously. And since knowledge is the key, maybe this enlightenment will positively reflect on the road-You know, with people staying alive and such.

What does the rest of the class think?

See how you'd do. Take the same exam that was used in the study. http://www.gmacinsurance.com/SafeDriving/

And if you didn't do well...then please just stay out my way!

-Mudslide
A Man