The Dates of Hazzard

So, once when I was about 17 years old, my older cousin who is like a big brother to me, remarked the following whilst I was driving, “you drive on the offense, like you’re waiting for things to happen. You need to learn how to drive defensively and anticipate their actions. You know you gotta drive for the other people.”

So for some reason this has been one of those things that stuck with me and while it definitely made me a better driver – as I debate daily whether to remove myself completely from this dating pool, or just stick my feet in, or stay in the shallow end (can’t get my hair wet), or just say f-it and cannon ball on in – my cousin’s words have me thinking not about driving, but dating. Now follow me as I beat this metaphor like a dead horse (oh wait that’s a simile) and get my Carrie Bradshaw on and ask the following: Do you date on the offensive or the defensive?

Now after having this epiphany, I had to figure out what in the hell I was tryna say – cause when I tried to told Minty and Dark n Stormy about this concept, they were both like, “say whaaaa?!?!” Stormy immediately recognized the offensive dating part. Minty could kinda see where I was going with it. But what I was thinking was…

Defensive dating involves bringing all your past baggage, hurt, pain, pre-conceived notions to the next person you meet/encounter/exchange numbers with/go on a first date with/start to dig/wanna maybe build something with. And the next person. And the next. Anticipating their moves, in the same way you just knooow that erratic driver you been watching weave through lanes is gonna jump in front of you and not use their blinker – so you fall back a little to give them needed space while simultaneously cussing em out, “like so you just gonna get over huh?” Even though you knew it was coming! So yeah you just know that this nig is not gonna call you when he says he will. Can’t be trusted. Is full of bull followed by that ish. Will probably cheat on you. Wants to hit it on the first night (well that one’s probably true). Tee hee. But here you go doing the dating for them.

Stormy brought the idea of offensive dating into focus and I’ll spin it like this, that here in this modern day, post the one house phone and no call waiting era, when public phones are non existent, and when strangers can see each other without leaving their living rooms, there are women adhering to traditional dating methods. A man needs to ask me out. He needs to call me. He needs to choose me. I'm not gonna put myself out there. Oh no. Before I do that, I'd rather just stay home and wait for my man to come a-knocking. Well unless it’s gonna be the pizza guy – logic says you need to get out in the world.

And not necessarily go for every guy you see – but place yourself in situations that you enjoy (lectures, art shows, the club, happy hours, volunteer activities) and if there's a guy you fancy, step to him, see if there's mutual interest (don't be no fool now and start sweatin him - key word is mutual), but don't be afraid to put in some effort, make it known that you're available – I’m just guessing here of course because obviously I’m still single – but I feel compelled to follow in the steps of other single Black women and develop random/common sense type dating theories to share with the masses. Now, y'all me know if it works! And be sure to give me a shout out in the wedding toasts!

There are obvious problems with both approaches. Offensive dating leaves things up to chance. And while timing is a huge factor in finding the “one,” um, you have to leave the house. The same way you have to keep your eyes on the road and notice that there are cars up ahead that are braking before the car in front of you brakes. Defensive dating is dangerous because…well the reasons are pretty clear – I mean you’re not getting to know the person in front of you if you bring all the other peope who done did you wrong to the first date, hello, or smile. It’s like, maybe the car will surprise you and not just hop their happy ass on over. Maybe they’ll signal. And maybe they’ll give you the wave! Hey now! Wasn’t that a pleasant surprise?

I can say that there are times when I've done both. Sat on the sidelines, on some Jesus work it out and send me a man. And I've made presumptions and assumptions when I finally am with a man. If there's a happy medium, I haven't developed a clever name for it yet - but it involves dating with both eyes on the road, being actively on the lookout for others, and being willing to let them in.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!