The Ex Factor

So the other night I was watching this random movie, Traci Townsend on TV One. Basically it starts off with this woman, Traci who’s dating this guy who won’t sleep with her yet. She starts getting irritated. Accuses him of being gay. He breaks up with her. She laments to her girlfriend that she’s lost another one. Her girlfriend is on some, ‘why can’t you keep a man, something must be wrong with your p***y that you keep attracting ain’t shit n****as.’

So Traci (conveniently a journalist) suggests to her friend (who was conveniently a wannabe filmmaker) that they go visit and interview her exes to find out why they broke up with her. She gets some answers, ends up kissing her homegirl (yeah it took a crazy turn), tries to get back with ol’ dude from the beginning – only to be dumped again and finally finds solace in being alone. Yeah. It was pretty interesting.

So aside from the fact the movie needed some plot work, it got me thinking about what happens when you run into exes and you see them with their new “loves” or just interest du jour. Of course you have to be cordial. Well you don’t have to be. But the right thing is to be cordial, make small talk, and try to get out of there as gracefully as possible. But of course in the midst of all this, you are taking notes on the new person on your ex’s arm: their face - Is she cute, like, at all? Their hair – real or fake, good or bad weave? he make up – too much or not enough? Their outfit – does it match, is it cute or tacky? Their shoes - Payless or Gucci or in between? Their whole demeanor – did they seem nice or stank actin?

Cause you know when you tell your girlfriends that you ran into your ex and he was with someone else, the first question will be, “So, how she look?” And it will take everything in your soul not to say, “She was cute. But not as cute as me.” © Jill Scott. Or maybe you do say that. But only to like your closest, closest girlfriends, because if you say it to the masses, you will sound like an asshole. And be accused of being a “hater.” When really, maybe, you were just being honest. I mean you know what you look like. And you know what they looked like. And you have this, "you chose her over me? Like, really?" feeling that also isn't supposed to be shared. Cause then you sound like a real "hater". And can you tell that I have seen like 3 exes/old school love interests and their new loves over like a 3 day period. And that this wound is fresh and raw? But I digress…

Ironically I watched a Seinfeld last night and Elaine was dating this famous ex-baseball player and Seinfeld (her ex – for those who don’t know) was shocked that she really liked this guy. And he said, “not to sound arrogant, but I didn’t think she would find someone better than me.” HA! Tell it Seinfeld!

But people do move on. They take whatever they had with someone, pick it apart, find the good, the bad and the ugly, and use all of that knowledge when looking for someone else. And so when Traci Townsend made her rounds to find out why these men dumped her and eventually married other women – even though she just knew such and such would never get married, she realized what we women have heard time and time again, that they just didn’t want to marry her ass. And it didn’t matter that she was fly. That she made six figures. That she was great in bed. What did matter was that she was: Controlling. Too competitive. Emasculating. Nosy. Distrustful. And that’s why she became the ex. And someone who on the surface may not have seemed right for her ex, when you went past the physical, dug a little deeper, ended up being the most compatible. And even though you know as a true fact, that y'all just weren't gonna be right together anyway, on some higher ground, new age spirituality, what God has for me is for me, attitude, it sucks when you come face-to-face with it. Literally.

That’s my time y’all Happy Rum Punch Friday!

wishing on a star...

Yesterday, I hit the gym after being incognito due to weather and on travel status. After my workout, a gym buddy – who happens to be an older woman—explains to me how her married grown son exes fiend for her attention. Now there is one caveat – not all these women are aware that their ex is married. But does it matter?

There happens to be one ex in particular who is her son’s senior by 9 years, hence a grown ass woman – and she calls his Mama like clockwork. She mentioned how girlfriend will call her during the airing of “Desperate Housewives” (if her affinity for the show is akin to my intense love of the Wire – you betta not call Bellini until after credits) so immediately I understood her pain. Now this ex – for the sake of this post we’ll call her Jennifer. Jennifer acknowledges to Mama that her son has lied to her time and time again – and yet there is something about him. Him – let’s call him Darryl. It is also my understanding according to Mama – of course—that all of Darryl’s exes including the wife all know each other. They went to college together and everything. Now Jennifer dates and apparently has and continues to be courted by decent fellows, but its something about Darryl that keeps her caught up. So, Mama asks me should she tell Jennifer that Darryl is married.

My instinctual response said “Hell yea”. But then again, I got to thinkin about what Big Poppa would say and he believes one should never meddle in other’s business hmmmph, but she asked for my opinion – and it’s not like I know any of the parties involved. So, 3 seconds later – I retracted my response and told her to give me 48 hours – enough time to post this on the blog and get your feedback.

Here’s some background if it helps. All parties are grown individuals. Mama is married and hubby has told her to hang-up on these women. Mama has pity for the sorrowful state of these women. In Mama's defense, it seems like a girlfriend is callin' her to chat although a lil' too frequent for her taste. Mama has asked Darryl whether he's fooling around and the he said NO. Mama is not playing the role of operator. If she confides in anybody it’s her husband, but she divulges no information between Darryl and Jennifer, nor other exes. Darryl does not live home with Mama. As, I said before he’s married and has 1 child with his wife. At times, Darryl chooses not to wear his wedding ring. And Mama implores why – and lies to Mama and concocts a bullshit ass excuse about his line of work (criminal justice) being an interference (what crock full o’ shit!). And Mama feels she can’t make it her issue if the wife is happy – it ain’t nobody’s business?

Now supposedly, Darryl is not cheating on his wife or is he? Darryl didn’t disclose to all of his exes that he was married and he’s been married for 3 years. Also, all the exes call him at work or his mobile – no one calls his residence. Darryl feels it ain’t nobody’s business that he’s married. And one time Jennifer called the mobile late at night, although he was home and the wife had a tiff about the late night booty call. Mama knows her son is no good, but the exes are drawn to her – but it’s not like they’re coming over for tea & crumpets, or barbecues/cookouts.
Does it matter?

If there are any wives who read my blog today, I want to hear from you – ‘cuz Bellini is trying to make sense of the madness. Husbands, please give me your two cents, too. I feel like Darryl is an asshole and he has a wife that has accepted his bullshit. Am I coming down too hard on the wife I'm not blaming her by no means-- but in the words of Tennesee Williams' Big Mama "When a marriage is on the rocks, the rocks are there." Now the statement may be far-fetched, considering the fact the wife may be totally content in her marriage. So, what's your verdict?

cheers,

Bellini