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-The Five Spot

Thursday, October 9, 2008

single woman's burden

I’m one of those women who likes to stay “friends” with exes. And when I say friends I mean call randomly from time to time just to see how said exes are making out in life. Most often my relationships start off on the friend level so I usually like to keep the “friend love” alive after we part ways.

One of these exes I call once every 6 to 12 months just to say hello. We went to law school at the same time so I’m especially interested in what he's up to professionally and like to keep the networking connection alive. Feel free to debate the utility of and justification for my random phone calls. Or whether I should expect him to still be taking my calls after 5+ years.

Usually when I call Mr. X, we talk about the legal job market, how much we love or hate our respective jobs and sprinkle in an “are you dating anyone?” for politeness. This time around, Mr. X had some news in the love department. Homeboy done jumped the broom! My first thought was damn Gina! Is everyone I know married, on their way down the aisle or actively looking? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a love hater. I love love, weddings and all that jazz. So I was genuinely happy for him. The curious kitty in me wanted to ask all kinds of questions like where’d you meet her, how long did ya’ll date, what she look like, married dude really? I asked none of these cause that would be creepy and weird. Instead I simply congratulated him and continued the conversation.

But in the way that married folks, boo-ed up sistafriends, and random black men do, he proceeded to hit me with the “Why are you still single?”

Boooo, Mr. X, booooooo! As if singleness was some disease to be cured. Some temporary state to be suffered through until you hooked up with someone and all your cares in life were erased.

I stumbled through the generic you know I’m just working on me man and the other obligatory men don’t get me. But looking back I wish I had said something a little bit more “Yaaa trick Yaaaa!”

My single ladies out there feel me. I held in my “Nigga why?” and just kept it civil. Cause that's what we as single women do. When asked, we retreat and feel ashamed for not having some magical I AM WOMAN answer. Maybe mofo's should stop asking cause actually it's kinda rude. Folks don't go around asking they obese auntie who's been adding on 25 lbs each year, why you still fat? That cousin we all got who only calls when he locked up looking for that bail money, yeah him? We don't ask him, Why you still broke?

Exactly! So how bout ya'll stop asking me why I'm still single?

the end.


HydePark_Cutie said...

Ouch. I feel you on what you're saying because I get asked the same thing by my exes. I think it stings me a little deeper though because the fact of the matter is, deep down I really do want a great man in my life. Sure I put on the "I don't need a man, I'm fine by my damnself" face. But real talk: if I had a choice, I probably wouldn't be single...

Always.Funky.Fresh said...

Maybe if people change the way they ask the question, it'll come off better like....

You know Mint Julep, you'd make a lovely candidate for marriage....

How's that?

Courvoisier said...

(chuckle) @ the aunt comment.

This topic is always a hot one. I wonder why? It doesn’t seem to matter if you are married or single…the idea of not having a man being thought of as somewhat shameful really baffles me. A friend of man calls it a curse of Eve; that we will always desire to have a male in our lives. I don’t think men feel this way; that they have to a woman nor do they seem to be shameful if they don’t. Why is that?

Also, why are you mad Mint? I don’t think it is rude…I see those type of questions as a weird way of complementing. Hopefully he asked that question because he is surprised that you are single. I don’t know…just my view point.

Adande said...

i read a lot--just dont comment much-- but this statement: "looking back I wish I had said something a little bit more 'Yaaa trick Yaaaa!' " was PURE COMEDY!!!

the notion of normalcy is overrated...as such, conformity to this notion should be overlooked. period! DO YOU!

mint julep said...

glad to see so many folks de-lurking!

@hyde-park: girl preach!

@funky fresh: boi you hit it on the head! it's all in the delivery. it's fine when i dude steps to me with some "you'd make a lovely candidate for marriage...." i know that's his way of opening the door for convo. With Mr. X it's a sting, what you worried bout it for? You married dude.

@Courvoisier: I feel no shame in being single. But it's the way in which people inquire that irks me. why does the person inquiring want to know? if you tryin to holla then cool. Otherwise what does it matter why i'm single. who the f' knows. why is the sky blue? i don't see any purpose served by a why question like that. maybe its because i'm a lawyer and why questions never lead to anything good. ;-)

@adande: thanks for commenting. trust i'm doin me!

Anonymous said...

thats a very rude question :-S that irks me, we are still single because it isn't our time yet......
and I'd rather be single than married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person etc etc etc

miss kate said...

I also think it's usually a roundabout way of complimenting, like "you're so awesome I can't imagine why no one wouldn't want to scoop you up!" Especially if the person asking is someone who knows you well.

That being said, when you hear it it sounds a lot like "WTF is wrong with you, that NOBODY wants you???"

miss kate said...

Also I'm not sure "you'd make a lovely candidate for marriage" would sit well with me, either. I think anyone approaching me with that would make me think CRAZY APPROACHING AT 9:00 and run for the hills.

MrsMeany said...

WHY do people ask women that question? I think it's RUDE. Some women don't want to get married ASAP or ever. Why can't people understand and respect that? Maybe they haven't found the right person, maybe they're career-minded--men do it ALL the time! It's her choice, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Like you said: Why SHOULD he care if you're married or not? He IS and that is all he should be concerned with! hahaha

And guess what, there will ALWAYS be "that" intrusive question--it doesn't end after you get married...People seem to always want to KNOW shiz. After I got married, everyone wants to know "when you gon' have kids?" OR "why don't you have kids yet?" (Meanwhile, no one is sweating MrMeany for the answers to these questions! WHY is that?)
GEEZ...I mean, can we enjoy being married for a minute, for crying out loud? Can we travel and do "us" before we start a family?

Unfortunately, it's not just a single woman's burden because INQUIRING MINDS are all up in married women's bidness too!

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