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-The Five Spot

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Need Some Advice

Okay I am totally loving the Strawberry Letter portion of the Steve Harvey Morning Show. The things people write in with you just wonder if this is someone’s real life situation or the musings of people with very active imaginations and a bunch of time on their hands. I have always had an affinity for advice columns and often try to advise prior reading what the “expert” had to opine. And let’s be real, OPP (the last P is for problems) is a tad bit more interesting than our own. *Glances at Tiger Wood’s current mistress count-9 waffle house wannabe model waitress* Riiight? Right. So that’s why I love Strawberry letter, for the pure shock value you of them, or because Strawberry Letter comes on right with the gospel station is going to commercial and the hippity-hop stations are playing Lil Wayne…again!

Now while some of these letters speak of verbal and sexual abuse-to which Amaretto gives a brief sniffle for on her way to work; it be* the nasty spectacular dramas that give me the most comedy. So I ask you good readers of the 5 spot what you would say if you were an advice columnist to the following letters received by the Steve Harvey Morning Show…

This one I heard a day or two before Thanksgiving…

**Dear Steve,
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted a threesome. So it’s the night of my birthday, the lights are off, and another person is in the room. I had the best sex I have ever had. When all was said and done and the lights turned on next to laying next to my wife is her mother. Now her mother is fine. But I wonder should I tell my father in law what happened.

Amaretto Said: Illl! Hell no, don’t tell your FIL! And what kind of woman did you marry dude? Seriously?! Your wife didn’t have a homegirl or didn’t think to ask a stranger to join in the celebration?! Craziness! Steve-pretty much said the same. I don’t know if I should feel good about being in synch with Steve Harvey or not…

This one I heard yesterday…

**Dear Steve,
I have been married to my wife for 12 years and we have 6 children. I have been sleeping with my wife’s best friend for 12 years. The thing about it is that my wife’s best friend is a man. For the past year I have also been sleeping with my wife’s father. Each of these people, including my wife knows how to rock my world. I feel I am a gay man and need to confess and come out to my family.

Amaretto Said: Illl! The babies granddaddy dude! Yucky poo! Steve-Pretty called him trifling and that he should take this to the grave. He can’t even call himself gay-he’s something else-he just likes to get done. To which I agree with Steve. Again, I don’t know if should feel good about agreeing with Steve Harvey or not…

So you few fine 5 spot advice experts out there…what advice would you give to these two poor wayward men folks?

See You In Seven


*I have suspended my proper grammar for country grammar to convey how good it is!
**Also these letters have been gistified and Amarettofied!

5 comments:

Brownbelle said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! What is wrong with these people? I wouldn't be able to say nary a thing but "you need Jesus and a therapist. In that order"!

Localicious said...

girl i used to love the strawberry letter too when i was back east! but yeah, all these letters are are some hotmess trifflinness. end of story. so u tell ur wife u want a 3some, she gives u 1 and it's w/ ur mil? um yeah...u better start wonderin about ur girl homie. if she's willin to bring her mama into the mix there's NO TELLIN how else she gets down. also, was he surprised it was his mil? or did he know while he was doin her?smh HARD! second dude is a nypho, plain and simple. i mean if he plans on stoppin his relations with the other dudes, then yeah take this one to the grave. BUT if he plans on keepin this 3ring circus goin i think he needs to come clean. admitting what he's been up to ain't gonna mess this family up any more than they already are. it's one thing to think ur gay & experiment. it's a whole NOTHER thing to think ur gay & experiement w/ ur spouses parent AND thier best friend. hot nasty mess, all of it!

Dirty Red said...

This shit right here, this shit right here....

Where do I start?
Well the first letter, alls I can say, is keep that shit between your girl, your moms n law and yourself, homie. I have dated a few women that had moms that could get it, but I have never did it. But on a lighter note, was the MILF fine? And how could you not know? How the hell dark was the room that you did not know who it was you was fucking? I know about the song "turn out the lights", but this shit here? Dude, you might want to reevaluate your in-laws.(and your wife) If this don't sound like some West Virginia White Folk's Shit, my name ain't Dirty Red.
Now onto the 2nd letter of ain't shitness. How in the hot ass hell could you be doing your wife's best friend for 12 years and your wife's Pops and just now find out that you like dick in your mouth and booty? Come on Son. And if your wife has a "best" friend that is a dude, then she knows he is gay already and she should have been questioning your ass about why you are spending so much time with Ray Ray. But your wife's Pops? Dude what the fuck is wrong with you? There is no help for you, Son. You ain't shit, your gay ass Pops ain't shit and your wife's "best" friend ain't shit. Just a family of ain't shit folks doing ain't shit shit.

Amaretto said...

@Brownbelle-LOL! I love it! What more do you need than the good Lord and a $100 per hour therapist? Great advice.

@Localicious-The first letter had me wondering if the wife was enacting some sort of revenge on her husband for asking for a threesome. But ain't no revenge in the world worth seeing yo momma in an intimate way. As far as I am concerned my parents only had sex once-and here I am!

So do you really think "Loves to Do it" should give full disclosure of his deeds or just come out of the closet? I still think mums the word...

@Dirty Red-You shol don't sugarcoat things do you? ;) I will say that 3some man said his MIL was fine...but so what? Like you said he might want to reevaluate the family he married into-ain't enough darkness in the world!

And I think you pretty much summed it up for the last letter. The end.

Localicious said...

@amaretto, girl he shld def come out. i mean all darkness comes to the light. and this kind of darkness is gonna raise ALL KINDS of hell for this tricked out 4some. it's gonna hurt like hell when this mess comes out, but better sooner than later. keepin ur triffliness a secret b/c it's so triffin don't make no sense in this case. dude is doing his fil AND his wife's ultra scandelous best friend. there is no cure for HIV or AIDS and trust, if dude will do his own fil, he'll probably do just about anyone!