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-The Five Spot

Thursday, July 29, 2010

truth with a side of hate

one thing about friendships that has always made me sad is the inability for women to speak truth to other women about what's going on in their lives.  sometimes you can tell your best girlfriend that she can't squeeze into that sundress that she loved so much cause she's picked up a few pounds.  sometimes you can honestly say, "girl you can not leave your stable job as a receptionist to audition for idol.  your voice sucks."  but you can rarely speak truth to your woman friend about her dealings with men.  because most times it is seen as
A) hateration or
B) hateration.
sad + true
now why is that? why are relationships often off limits to outside opinions in ways that other areas of our lives are not? i've got 2 theories about this.  follow me as i open the mind of mint julep...

theory 1:

bitches be hatin! all the time. 24-7.  when you think they aren't.  they are.  and when they aren't........they still are.
when they just want the best for you.  when they know you better than you know yourself.  when they suddenly become clairvoyant and know 5 days or 3 months or 2 years from now that his ass will cheat (with her). 
they be hatin!
and so whatever "truth" you think they're speaking to you, or whatever "truth" you think you're  imparting to your best homegirl might just be HATE with a layer of sweet cream cheese frosting on top. 
for example: a friend of a friend just got engaged.  and before the dude proposed, he came and talked to my friend about what he should do and how he should do it.  and the woman also talked to my friend about the possibility of dude proposing and whether the two of them should get married.  my friend told me some of the things she said to her friend and to dude.  there's not enough white space in this post to get into all the ins and outs of both of those conversations but i had a few O_o moments as some of the things my friend said she told them. 
i wondered to myself (and asked my friend): how does her perspective color her responses?  does the fact that she's single with no man (and no engagement prospects) influence the truth she speaks to her friend about whether she should be marrying this guy? 
sometimes we as women have to hold inside whatever "truth" we want to speak to our friends.  we have to step back.  take that truth home.  unpack it on the kitchen table.  grab a knife and cut it open.  dissect out all the hate.  all the envy.  all the jealousy.  all the hurt.  all the why not me's.  then selah on what we wanna say.  package it back up. and then go back to our friend.  and speak that truth. 

theory 2:

women don't wanna HEAR the truth from other women.  women invented the side eye.  we are perpetually skeptical.  we always on some, "what's her motivation?"  or "she want my man" type ish.  so any time another female comes at us with some friendly advice, we get our backs up.  we dismiss any comments, thoughts, reflections and opinions as hating.  even if they are actually grounded in fact and reality.
now one should always question the motives of the messanger but i do think women sometimes are too quick to shut down any rational practical thoughts about their love situation just because we don't like what a friend is telling us.  we don't wanna hear the truth.
for example: if a dear friend comes to you and says i seent your man last night out with another woman making out in the back booth, you can't say she just hating.
but how many of ya'll readers would even tell a dear friend that you saw something like that?  you'd have to run it by some of your other girlfriends to see if they thought you should say something.  and you'd still hesitate.  because you wouldn't wanna be branded a hater by your friend.  cause your friend can't handle the truth.

and that's what makes me sad.  that we as women can't tell a friend what we think about their love lives.  when that's what friends should be able to do.

or not....

what say ya'll?

1 comment:

MrsMeany said...

MJ - I agree with both of your theories. But I am more inclined to co-sign with theory #2...no one wants to hear the truth! I don't get it! WHY? Am I the one of the few chicks left on the planet that want to HEAR the truth and TELL the truth? I leave my bullshittin' for strangers and people that I could care less about. It's an easy "out"...takes no effort...who CARES! hahaha

To tell the truth takes time, thought and effort...neither of which I am willing to expend on "regular" people. An IDEAL inner circle of friends and family SHOULD welcome 100% truth, right? Truth does NOT = being mean, callous or heartless about the situation...it means choosing words, terms and timing to express the truth without DESTROYING your friend.

ex: my college friend was pregnant and her husband was trying to hollar at my sister...AFTER my friend gave birth, I told her! (why stress her while she's pregnant?!) She wasn't upset with me and I told her that I was willing to take that chance so I could tell her the TRUTH. They made up, and initially he was upset with me (he even tried to roll up on me when I was on the subway one day asking me why I told her. I told him that I didn't give a F that I knew him too--although I was cool with him, SHE was my friend. OH WELL!)

The saying goes the TRUTH HURTS, but LIES hurt even more! I always tell my crew: PLEASE do NOT feel afraid to tell me the truth about ANYTHING. I need to know! NOT knowing would hurt me more than the "painful facts" of the truth!

Unfortunately, most people don't wanna hear it! They don't want to look at the man in the mirror--damn, I miss MJ!!(you too MJ!!) It seems that folks would rather live in a quasi-truth infused world...it's "safer", it's "pain-free" and there's a TON less drama involved. But people, the truth catches up to you eventually. Deal head on with it in the "right now" so you don't have to worry about it BLOWING UP in the future!!

I am perplexed why people are afraid of the truth...was Jack Nicholson right when he said: "You can't handle the truth?" it seems so...

All I know is that the TRUTH shall set you FREEEEEEEEEEE! (and I love freedom, no matter how much of a struggle it may be at times!!)