wanna get next to you

ya'll remember kirk? he's the dude i went out with that one time after many a false start and then he friend-zoned me on the slick. let me take you back...

and then i got the most bitchassedness text message today. kirk tells me he doesn't have time to date, despite my being smart, funny, very attractive, and well just great, he hopes we can remain friends.

jigga what?!?!? jigga who does that? by text no less. my guy friend said i told you so and my sistafriends said you didn't want to date him anyway. but that's besides the point. how you gone have time to be friends but not have time to date? riddle me that. part of me thinks good riddance to bad rubbish but part of me thinks he's lying. but for why? was he just not feeling a sista? was he intimidated? was he really just that damn busy? or not ready to follow through on plans to meet? not that i'll be losing any sleep over it for these are the days of my life as a single lady. but still...who does that?

well kirk is back at it again. since his grace-less bow out, kirk has been randomly texting and calling me about every couple of weeks, attempting small talk about the weather, his work, and baby kittens: all manner of generic things you talk about with someone you seemingly never want to see naked.

then my life became like an episode of how i met your mother. my co-worker called me: listen up i got a story to tell. [insert the black flashback screen that reads "a couple days ago..."]. at a training session, my co-worker met a woman, we'll call her lois lane, who will be interning at our office this summer. lois lane asked my co-worker, you know this woman named mint julep? she works in your office. co-worker replies of course. why do you ask? lois lane says i want to work with mint julep for the summer and solicits my co-worker's help in hooking her up with me for the summer.

[insert co-worker's mean side-eye here]

co-worker questions lois lane about why she's so thirsty for a drink of the minty freshness. and out comes the craziness. apparently lois lane is good friends with captain kirk. he has confided in her how much he was/is/will forever be feeling me. he's shared with her how perfect i was for him and how he feels like he blew his chance with me. but he believes that if she can talk him up to me during the summer his window of opportunity might re-open. so her plan is to drop little hints about how great he is during her internship.

boy stop! girl bye!

[flashback to the present and me laughing into the phone at the super-weirdness that my life has become.]

i can just imagine kirk sitting up in his room all alone at night harboring feelings for me holding his pillow tight, coming up with this master plan. i feel a little vindicated that his whole "let's just be friends" thing was a great big ball of stage fright. but it's also really weird to me that he's doing the most trying to get next to me when he had many a chance to do so already. and kinda sorta pretty much fucked that allllllll the way up. or not. theoretically he still has an opportunity if he comes at a sista on the real real, in a grand gesture-like standing up on a counter in the middle of fall carnival kinda way. let me get another chance to make you love me girl. but alas, he's taken the lemme play mind games on you approach.

i thought only females plotted and schemed for hours on end to perfectly time the exact second mr. quarterback walks past her in the hallway to drop that chemistry book at his feet and do her best bend and snap. it feels a little like truth about cats and dogs or sleepless in seattle or that random episode of girlfriends (shouts to rum punch).

and again i say who does that?

the intimidation factor

so a couple weeks ago i  met a guy.  let's call him kirk.  he seemed nice enough.  a couple years younger than me, but he had a professional degree and a stable job.  not that i get wet over such things, just sayin'.  he was pleasant enough to talk to and a self-described nerd.  he was quite tubby (read: fat) but i figured i'd keep an open mind since i'm no america's next top model.  i'd be toccarra, phabulously fierce!

 

now before our first official "date", i did a little recon. i found out that a really good guy friend of mine went to grad school with kirk so i asked my friend about him.  he gave me the 411 and then asked why i wanted to know.  when i told my friend that i was going to be meeting kirk for a "date" he laughed and said "nah homie, can't sign off on that one.  he's not on your level." 

i was flattered and thanked my friend for his insight but didn't cancel drinks with kirk.  i couldn't let one person's assessment prevent me from finding out more about kirk beyond his stats, right?.  so i accepted kirk's invite for after work drinks.  as i was leaving work to meet kirk, he contacted me to cancel.  work ran late.  i suggested lunch on saturday instead and he agreed.  saturday came and the noon hour passed with no word from kirk.  around 3, he called to explain.  lost cell phone, didn't have your number, found cell phone, apologies, blah blah blah.  

ummmm ok.  i started to see what my friend meant.  but being the nice gal that i am, i gave kirk one mo' chance, biggie, biggie you get one mo' chance. and so we finally had dinner the following thursday.  and kirk was aight.  not fantastic, not horrible, but aight. we had a nice pleasant dinner with some interesting conversation and at the end of the night, i figured i might have made a new friend.  

and then the cycle started all over again.  kirk suggested we get drinks after work on monday and then proceeded to pull an "oh never mind" an hour before we were supposed to meet.  in the next breathe he suggested dinner the next night.  by now i'd had enough.  i sweetly but firmly told kirk that i'd rather not make any future plans to meet until he could get over his case of the flakes.  i asked him not to suggest any more "dates" unless he knew he could keep them.  

and then i got the most bitchassedness text message today.  kirk tells me he doesn't have time to date, despite my being smart, funny, very attractive, and well just great, he hopes we can remain friends.

jigga what?!?!?  jigga who does that?  by text no less.  my guy friend said i told you so and my sistafriends said you didn't want to date him anyway.  but that's besides the point.  how you gone have time to be friends but not have time to date?  riddle me that.  part of me thinks good riddance to bad rubbish but part of me thinks he's lying.  but for why?  was he just not feeling a sista?  was he intimidated?  was he really just that damn busy?  or not ready to follow through on plans to meet?  not that i'll be losing any sleep over it for these are the days of my life as a single lady.  but still...who does that?

 

what say ya'll?

What Say You?

Every once in awhile I come across something in life that makes me wonder

“Am I crazy or is this just re-damn-diculous?!”

And I have these moments because some stuff is just so wrong there should be unanimous agreement to the wrongness! And yet some people feel its okay to wear yellow bras under white dress shirts or that macaroni and cheese from a box is the best ever! Both to which Amaretto shakes her head to the left and the right. But I understand that not everyone is me or views the world like how I do so I ask you to read the scenario below and tell me…What say you?

Here’s the scenario:

Your 3 year-old child tells you that they sleep in the bed with your ex and your ex’s new new.

You confront your ex about it because…
1) You want to make sure the child is not mistaken because this is sounds like sheer foolishness.
2) You and your ex had previously agreed that after the child was a year old they would sleep in their own bed, in their own room. And when child is at your house they sleep in their own bed.

Your ex tells you to essentially mind yo business because the three of them are a family now (even though no one is married).

Since murder is not an option what do you do?

When I think about this scenario I wonder how both the ex and new new think that this is acceptable behavior?! Is this cute? Playing house? Are we 6 year olds now?

Why isn’t the ex thinking about possible molestation when we have stories coming out about trust people in the community like priests and foster parents coercing little ones to do things that rob them of their innocence. Can you really trust any one with your child?

If there is a joint custody agreement, is each parent free to do what they want when the child is in their care?

How do you feel about this scenario? And what should the concerned parent do when their ex essentially said that they have no say?

Again, murder is not an option!

See You In Seven

PS. Happy Birthday Rum Punch! And Mr. President too.

Heard it Through the Grapevine

So one of the things that we ladies here at the 5spot planned to do during our vacation down in New Orleans was to work on a house through Habitat for Humanity. This activity became more exciting to me than the fact that we were going to the Essence Festival that Friday night-and as a chick who wasn’t a Beyonce fan I have been converted, that chick is a master performer! Anyways, when I told a coworker that I was going to New Orleans-so good luck with all the mounting projects that were being assigned to us-she asked me what I was going to do. I proudly told her that I was going to help build a house. Well I can’t tell you how pretty my halo and wings looked reflecting through her eyes. I must say Angelic Amaretto is quite a beautiful sight to see.

Okay so cut to last Wednesday when I came back into the office tired and tanner and the one coworker I told has since told other random coworkers about what I planned to do on my vacation. There I was sitting at my desk, catching up on emails and fighting fatigue when Old Man Pseudo Boss came over talking about glad you’re back Amaretto, how was building houses. Um what? Houses? Do I look like I work for Centex Homes, I was only going to “help” build a house-one singular sensation. And so the fact that my coworker told OMPB didn’t really vex me because she talks to him a lot, but it was when Worrisome Willy, Fat Boy, and Trying Tanya all asked me how was my time building houses was…I got a little annoyed. Moreover, at the end of the day my coworker comes over with shock and sadness on her face to say OMPB just told her that I didn’t even build a house on my vacation! There, ladies and lone gentlemen went my halo and wings.

So what happened? Well, why we didn’t make it to the building site really isn’t important. We aren’t blaming anything on da alcohol. But I can say that it really was a perfect storm of a series of unfortunate events that lead us to site see and chill at the pool until it was time to eat.

But the moral of the story is that you can’t trust coworkers with nothing! I mean really it’s troubling that my name came up in at least 5 conversations unbeknownst to me. And worse yet, the information spread was oh so very very wrong! The whole ordeal reminded me of the corporate communication course I took in my freshmen year, I mean as a student I really didn’t care about the world of working but they did list the Grapevine as one of the major forms of communication in the workplace. Three cheers that I can remember that! And all I can say is yes and Amen! It’s amazing how somewhat true information or even bold faced lies can sound like God’s Gospel after traveling through the Grapevine. Now I’m wondering if so-and-so really slept with him and Jim to get that promotion. Or if they are going to really take all of our cubicles away and have us work at rectangular desks in an effort to be green and save money! That stuff in the office air just cain’t be trusted…ever!

Imma have to get Courvoisier to photoshop me with a hammer in hand and President Obama cheering me on in the background, talking about Yes We Can! Then Imma frame it and put in on my desk under my Marid Gras beads…let’s see what my coworkers will say about that!

See You In Seven