The Independent Clause

Have you seen Chris Rock's I Think I Love My Wife? If not, you should. It's pretty funny. The basic premise is that Chris Rock is living the bland marriage life. He's just regular. Has a regular mid level job at a financial type place. Lives in a regular house in the suburbs. Has a regular wife with two regular kids. "Enjoys" regular outings with other couples who talk about regular shyt. Just regular, regular, regular. The old folk might call it blessed. But whatev. So in comes the one and only Kerry Washington. She is an ex-girlfriend of one of Chris's friends. Now the details of how they meet back up are fuzzy in my mind. But she just pops up, looking all fine, bringing fun and excitement (or drama depending on how you view how much water is in the glass), and a break from the monotony. Chris is taken. And thus begins his downward spiral.

However, throughout the film, it would appear that Ms. Kerry can do nothing for herself. She is helpless, hapless and from where I sit pretty much useless. She can't get a job on her own and asks him to be reference. Forget the fact that they haven't seen each other in years. Or that it was for a basic hostess position. She can't move out her ex-boyfriend's apartment by herself and asks Chris to accompany her on a quick trip from NYC to DC. More drama happens. She can't find a place that she's going to have to live in by herself, on her own. She doesn't know how to spend her days by herself and makes drive by visits to his office to pass the time or get taken to lunch.While the underlying reason for all this is because she's a lil huzzy who is playing the 'let's see how long it takes to get him to fcuk me' game, let's focus on her lack of want or desire to do for self.

Now while I try to shun all labels, unless they come on purses or shoes, I do like to think that I'm a relatively independent Black woman. Not on some, "I don't need no man, I can do bad all by myself" type mess. But also not on some, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," type craziness either. But falling somewhere in between. I will ask a male friend to move that heavy couch, kill that bug, or change that flat tire. But if ain't none available, and it's just me and the ladies, I guess we better get to lifting, squashing and changing. Or at least calling AAA. Or this place. It's not that I despise women who can't do for self. I mean, hey who am I to knock your hustle? Your livelihood. But it does tend to irk. And annoy. And if Mint Julep was tellin ho's to sit down yesterday, well these type of chicks make me wanna yell, "ho, stand on your own two!"

Like for real. This independentphobe, (yes look it up, it's the antonym to commitmentphobe,) behavior is pretty hard to watch. A woman who always needs a man. And will take any man. A single man. A cute man. A chunky man with low self esteem. An old man with a pension. Yo man. Needs, begs, demands someone to help her with any and everything, including the seemingly simple things in life. And I wanna be like, "daggone it, if I had to master these tasks, you should learn how to as well!" I mean for the love of all that is righteous and holy, ladies can we please put our pennies together and open a vocational school, to teach these chicks that it's about time they learned how to take care of number one? Cause when it's all said and done, that's all you got. All that's promised from now until your last day. And then once that fundamental truth is taught, have them sign up to take other classes like:

1. I Get So Lonely: How to Live on Your Own and Enjoy It! A step-by-step guide on how to find your own place, pay your own rent, and then enjoy your own company.
2. Throw Your Hands Up At Me: Take Pride in Doing Things on Your Own!
3. I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t, Do You Know What That Mean Wo-man? Learn How To Be With These 5 Easy Steps!
4. I Am Woman Hear Me Roar: Learning How to Read the Instructions and then Put Together Your Own Furniture! - A Hands On Class
5. At Your Best: You are Love(ly) On Your Own.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friay!

ho sit down

last week i gave it to the guys and now ladies, it's your turn.
now this is not directed at all the ladies, just the ones who exhibit the following behavior. while the title of this post may suggest otherwise, every woman who exhibits said behavior is not a ho per se. i just like foolish and ridiculous southern rap songs that provide an extra special exclamation point to my posts.

let the truthtelling commence.

as i've said before i love love. i fully support being boo'ed up, for whatever reason said parties wish to be boo'ed up. i will support my homegirl when she decides to get a little closer to a guy who may or may not be good enough for her. i will listen when my sister shares with me how much she likes her new man friend and i will be that shoulder when he dun dun her wrong.

but ladies, sisters and gentlewomen, what's not fina happen is you invoking your boo's name every 5 seconds in otherwise unrelated conversations just for the sake of sending your man's name into the atmosphere.

i can not and will not.

here's how you tell if ya homegirl has exceeded the limits of sisterly relationship support and overdosed on the D:

1. when you're with your chica at some generic place, say a backyard bbq, an afterwork cocktail party, or chillin at the crib, where it's not just you and her having a heart to heart about something serious, look at your watch. note the time. and then count how many times she says her man's name in a 10 minute time period without you first inquiring about his ass or even talking about love, relationships or making babies. if that number exceeds 5, HO SIT DOWN.

2. if you haven't yet met her new dude but you know his favorite colors, his favorite foods and his favorite hip hop song of all time and they only been datin 2 days, please, HO SIT DOWN.

3. if your conversations with her go something like this:
mj: girl did you hear how kanye west broke up with that stripper chic amber rose. he so extra aint it? hasn't been right since his mama died.
her: i know right, my boo told me that last night. kanye need to deal with them demons. my boo say that's why he made 808's and heartbreak, cause his mama died. my boo be knowin girl.
mj: look, the sky is blue.
ho: my boo's favorite color is blue.
mj: oh snap, my mama just died.
ho: ohh no, i'm so sorry to hear that, you know my boo mama died last year so he know how you feel.

HO SIT DOWN!

and SHUT UP BOUT YO BOO.

enough. we get it. you boo'd up. congratulations! i don't need to hear about him and his predilections every 5 minutes. me and you are cool but i really don't need to know what he thinks about the global environmental crisis. you're dating him, i am not . keep some thangs to yourself.

the problem iswomen who are like this rarely ever realize they annoy the shit out of everyone around them. i overstand the excitement of dating someone new or being overjoyed about the (new) love of your life. i might shoulda been told to sit the hell down a few times or two in the past. but lately i've run across a few ladies that needed to be sat down and realized just how sickening it is from the outside lookin in.

you shouldn't surrender all your thoughts and opinions for those of your SO's. and you certainly shouldn't drop his name every five seconds like he invented the spanx. like he ghost-wrote death of auto-tune. just don't. HO SIT DOWN.

please and thank you.

Heard It All Before

Two things about men. Seemingly simple words they say that bother the hell outta me.

1. “Lemme call you right back.” Every girl by the age of 16 should know that this is a m-in-fin lie! But then like a complicated LSAT question is only truth when a man is first putting in work. Digging and wooing you. You know before you’ve dropped the panties. It’s in this time that they have a tendency to call back with a quickness. But once time has passed. You’ve given it up. They ain’t feeling you the same. Dropped you down to just a "friend." Or have gotten all comfortable and complacent – they hit you with, “lemme call you right back.” Which could mean tomorrow. A week from now. Or never. Ahhh this lesson should be learned early, lest you be sitting by the phone, you know, actually waiting, checking the dial tone, refusing to leave the house, on some he said he was gon’ call me riight back. Ha! But you bet not eva, eva, eva, eva, not call them right back. A fit will be pitched and thrown.

2. “How you been/What’s been up/What you doing [right now, tonight, later on in life]” – Or any variation of these phrases uttered by a man you once dated, messed with, or just fcuked. Until they chose another. Or just x’ed you out the situation. And months or even years later, when you’ve finally gotten over him, moved on, and shifted those happy feelings to fcuk that nygga – as sure as the sun will rise and set, he will make a guest appearance into your life. Come around one mo’gin. But not in the good, let’s get together and love up on each other kinda way. Noooo, comes back as if he left some kinda GPS tracking device on your heart and has been watching your every move and knows just when you’re turning that corner; or like he was bored one day, was scrolling through his cell phone and saw your name. Either way, you living your life like it's golden, and he reappears like, “how you doin’?” Like everything is good. Like y’all been talking everyday. Like he didn’t break your heart. Like you just forgot all the b.s. that went down between y'all. Like y’all can just pick up where you left off.

And so here he comes. Creeping. Sniffing. Tiptoeing. Half stepping. Shows up, usually still attached, but thinking y’all can still be “friends.” Should chat. Stay in touch. Meet up. Maybe he could even come visit you. Like he doesn’t have a wife or girlfriend. And you want to scream, “YOU DIDN’T CHOOSE ME! SO WHY ARE YOU BACK OVER HERE OCCUPYING MY SPACE? WHAT THE FCUK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” But you know what he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat your pie, ice cream and cookies too. Wants you to boost his ego. Assuage his guilt. Wants to test just how much of his foolishness you will allow back into your life. Meanwhile you just want to end all ties. Amputate the entire relationship like a gangrene leg. Set it on fire and watch it burn to ashes. Star in y’alls own version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Scrub your hands and heart of the whole affair. And you thought you did. But it never fails, just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in. With an IM. A text. An email. A tweet. A phone call you know you should ignore. But don’t. And so you pick up the phone to see what this nygga want. And five minutes in realize he ain’t talking bout shyt. And then you get the chance, some sweet revenge, a little poetic justice if you will, to hit him with, “lemme call you right back…”

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

Takin' it back...

Oh Spare Me!

I think for the most part…at least if we boil all things down to biology, the role of the male in a species is to protect. Of course they are hunting and spreading their seed, but for the most part-looking at the wild animal kingdom-their responsibility is to protect what is theirs…their families.

The innate need to protect is also found in human men folk. But I think many men are confused about how to be protectors in the modern world. With the industrial revolution, feminism and television telling us what is and isn’t, I think many men don’t know what they should and shouldn’t do when dealing with women folk. The modern world is telling everyone to look out for themselves and “do you” how do men folk reconcile that with their instinctive responsibility to protect their women and children?

I imagine that life and relationships can be difficult for men. Now keep in mind I speak in generalizations and I am fully aware that I have not met every man in the world…though that would make for an interesting world record to set… But it annoys me that some men folk opt for delaying the truth and/or lying in an attempt (often a lame one) to protect feelings. Ugh! It’s humorous that in this modern world some men won’t open a door for a chick but will quickly opt for an archaic ideal of sparing a woman’s feelings by delaying a truth revelation. Saaaaaay what?

What. If my man drinks all the red Kool-Aid and I have been talking to him since noon about how I can’t wait to get me a nice cold glass when I get home. He should not wait until I have glass in hand and have pulled refrigerator ajar to tell me “Oh, by the way babe I drank all this Kool-Aid this morning.” Um. What? Imma gonna be pissed! Now he’ll probably claim that he forgot that he drank it all…which I personally would find hard to believe since we had conversation about it! But the end result is that I am madder than a Charlotte Hornet*, maybe even calling him a stupid simple simpleton, now that he allowed me to get to the point of almost tasting the Kool-Aid! Whereas If he told me at noon, I wouldn’t have spent the day building up how good that Kool-Aid was gonna taste!

But who cares about Kool-Aid it’s just Kool-Aid? And that’s true, who cares? But let’s just say that you’ve been in a relationship for a few years. Love has been professed. You are talking about chilluns, and houses, and how much of each paycheck will go into a savings account. Then, through the magic of Facebook man’s first lady love hits him up and from his heart flows all those old feelings. Because time has changed and matured them there might be a future for them now. He’s chatting with her from gmail at work and they are meeting for tea and crumpets every Tuesday. I believe at this point a man is conflicted. He of course is happy first lady love is back in his life, but also knows you are looking at houses in the best school districts…and because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings he doesn’t tell you right way that something has shifted and change is eminent.

This men, is Nucking Futs! No matter what, the fact that you want to be with first lady love is going to upset this woman. She will be hurt, angry and will probably hate you-either forever or for a period of time. She might cause a scene if you tell her in a public place…but who cares. That is far better than her continuing to think life is golden while you are making plans with first lady love. That’s life men folk, people get hurt no matter how well we try to protect them or spare feelings.

Honesty is the best way to protect those we care for and the sooner the better. Women folk can handle it! Believe me. Spare the drama and just tell us the truth.

See You In Seven

* I know they are New Orleans Hornets that’s why Charlotte is mad. Get it? Got it? Good.