Need Some Advice

Okay I am totally loving the Strawberry Letter portion of the Steve Harvey Morning Show. The things people write in with you just wonder if this is someone’s real life situation or the musings of people with very active imaginations and a bunch of time on their hands. I have always had an affinity for advice columns and often try to advise prior reading what the “expert” had to opine. And let’s be real, OPP (the last P is for problems) is a tad bit more interesting than our own. *Glances at Tiger Wood’s current mistress count-9 waffle house wannabe model waitress* Riiight? Right. So that’s why I love Strawberry letter, for the pure shock value you of them, or because Strawberry Letter comes on right with the gospel station is going to commercial and the hippity-hop stations are playing Lil Wayne…again!

Now while some of these letters speak of verbal and sexual abuse-to which Amaretto gives a brief sniffle for on her way to work; it be* the nasty spectacular dramas that give me the most comedy. So I ask you good readers of the 5 spot what you would say if you were an advice columnist to the following letters received by the Steve Harvey Morning Show…

This one I heard a day or two before Thanksgiving…

**Dear Steve,
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted a threesome. So it’s the night of my birthday, the lights are off, and another person is in the room. I had the best sex I have ever had. When all was said and done and the lights turned on next to laying next to my wife is her mother. Now her mother is fine. But I wonder should I tell my father in law what happened.

Amaretto Said: Illl! Hell no, don’t tell your FIL! And what kind of woman did you marry dude? Seriously?! Your wife didn’t have a homegirl or didn’t think to ask a stranger to join in the celebration?! Craziness! Steve-pretty much said the same. I don’t know if I should feel good about being in synch with Steve Harvey or not…

This one I heard yesterday…

**Dear Steve,
I have been married to my wife for 12 years and we have 6 children. I have been sleeping with my wife’s best friend for 12 years. The thing about it is that my wife’s best friend is a man. For the past year I have also been sleeping with my wife’s father. Each of these people, including my wife knows how to rock my world. I feel I am a gay man and need to confess and come out to my family.

Amaretto Said: Illl! The babies granddaddy dude! Yucky poo! Steve-Pretty called him trifling and that he should take this to the grave. He can’t even call himself gay-he’s something else-he just likes to get done. To which I agree with Steve. Again, I don’t know if should feel good about agreeing with Steve Harvey or not…

So you few fine 5 spot advice experts out there…what advice would you give to these two poor wayward men folks?

See You In Seven


*I have suspended my proper grammar for country grammar to convey how good it is!
**Also these letters have been gistified and Amarettofied!

Love without Marriage

Good Morning ya’ll! I am really about to shake it up.

A while back I was telling Amaretto when you are wealthy, who needs marriage and she was in a state of surprise, like that was the craziest thing she ever heard come out of my mouth. (chuckle) And we all know this is not true. I have been known to think completely off the wall.
Com’on just because you have been brainwashed to believe love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage doesn’t mean it really does. I always said if I was wealthy, and in this particular convo Oprah was my point of reference, what would be the point of getting married? Oh yes… I said this while I was married, straight up and down! Mr heard and he tossed it away to my wifely ramblings because hey I wasn’t wealthy so it was irrelevant. But since it is my day and you guys like it when I talk crazy let me let CC commence her post.

First let’s put this into context… money opens up a lot of doors and alleviates many concerns. We try to imagine if money wasn’t an issue and we really can’t truly fathom it. It is like a goldfish comprehending to live in a huge fresh water lake with unlimited food. You just don’t have the capacity until you are there or have been exposed. The self restraint… please… foreign concept. I know how I am at work when they give me an inch so try and imagine if no one told me no ever!

So with that said I think about all the average day people concerns as far as marriage is concerned… let’s start with the non-financials.

1. We can co-habit
2. Sleep in the same bed every night
3. Shower together
4. Cook meals together
5. Attend events
6. Share our home
7. Throw parties
8. Raise kids in a two parent household…

I could go on but you get the point. Now, picture how you would do all of these things if you weren’t married. Come on do it… you know a bunch of people out there already doing this so keep it real… it is not even about the marriage.

Shall we examine the financials…

1. Combined income
2. Reduced health insurance
3. Reduced cost of living…

I am not even going to go any further with this one because we all know that at millionaire status this all irrelevant unless you are super frugal. The everyday average benefits of marriage don’t necessarily apply to the wealthy Jane. This is just a thought so when I hear stories about marriage behaving in a different fashion (ie. Signing bonuses, etc) I have to think something slightly different is going on there besides that regular, I love you-let’s get married and have some babies. Marriage must mean something different.

And this is true for everyone, rich or poor… marriage is different for everyone. For me it goes back to values. CC is done. (chuckle) Two people need to share the same values before they make life decisions or commitments.

Side note: Maybe that is why she went up side his head, Woods changed the value structure… he paid for her trust and 10 year-commitment at the beginning of the marriage in return for his lifestyle and loyalty and he broke the agreement. Who said this had anything to do with love? You never know.

Much luv until next week... peace :)

Pass the Peas

Well I guess it's my turn for some random ramblings/musings/thoughts swirling around in my brain, cause it's been one of those weeks. Which leads me to

1. I'm tired. Like really, really tired. Not tired of this or that. But literally tired. Like what I imagine is the definition of fatigued.

2. Something really sweet and unexpected happened to me earlier this week that reminded me that...

3. While I do believe it's perfectly acceptable to show a guy interest, give him a nudge, and maybe even ask him out, it feels good to be pursued and...

4. I should stop saying I don't like meeting new people, because it doesn't totally suck and isn't nearly as bad as I make it up to be in my head, but I've realized that...

5. While I can, (but not necessarily do) talk to "anyone", just anyone can't talk to me and truly understand and enjoy the greatness that is Rum Punch. And I hate being watered down Rum Punch.

6. God is funny.

7. Sometimes what you think was. Wasn't. Not really. But you don't truly realize that until. Until you do.

8. I am on a 24 hour champagne diet, spillin' while I'm sippin', I encourage you to try it. I have been singing Money to Blow for the past week. And I don't know why I love that song so much cause Birdman's part sucks, Lil' Wayne is just a rambling fool these days and...

9. I can't stand Drake. Like at all. And yet that's a song that makes me wish I went to clubs, so I could act a fool and make it rain, I mean make it precipitate and also makes me

10. wish I had money to blow. And...

11. Some magical powers to teleport me and all my stuff from mama n'em's house to new house.

12. Earlier this week I went to the doctor and she said, "so you're 2 years from crossing the burning sands of 30 huh?" And I was like, "yeah. Thanks for the reminder." She also told me,

13. that I need to lose weight. And I was like, "yeah. Thanks for the reminder." Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be battling this weight forever. This must be how Oprah feels. Only she has money to blow.

14. I also got a tetanus shot while at the doctor. I hate shots and made it known. And when it was all done she said, "just think you won't have to go through this pain for another 10 years. Now wouldn't it be great if that was the only painful thing that happened to you in 10 years?" Yes. It totally would. But then it wouldn't be life, I guess.

That's my time y'all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

no title

I really liked the random musings. Got my own lil twist with some 20 questions flavor. Like to hear it, here it go...

1. How do you get sugar from a sugar daddy without coming out and asking "daddy can I have some sugar?"

2. Can a man ever just send you a "friendly" bouquet of flowers?

3. Marriage aint for everybody. And like phonte say, you might not know that till you get married.

4. Is it racist if you can't stand the sound of the voices of a particular race's female members only?

5. Should a woman ever make the first move and ask a man out?

6. Did curiosity really kill the cat or was it that thing the cat did that she aint had no business doing?

7. Some days I wanna be married but then when I think about the actual mechanics of it or meet some guy who I'm not feeling who flirtatiously tells me he is looking for a wife, I have a change of heart.

8. I'm really lovin' Gossip Girl right now. I firmly believe it's the best show on tv right now. The drama. The comedy. It's like the White tween's The Game.

9. Who needs fidelity when you're married to the one of the richest people in the world? So long as you don't disrespect the family wit no outside kids and national enquirer front page stories. Keep that shit discreet and for physical gratification purposes only.

10. Nude lip colors are supercute on peeps like Beyonce, J.Lo, and the random super model. How does it work for chocolate girls like me? Do I need to find a chocolate colored lip gloss to achieve that look?

in the meantime

I am on the phone for the umpteenth time with the Passport office trying to locate why a passport of the expidited variety is not at my residence. And wonderin' how and why egregious incompetence exist in an ever-more rapidly technological society... grrrrr....

Folks, I apologize for being MIA. Last week was Thanksgiving Eve and between a partial work-day, acquiring last minute grocery items, and hittin' the gym; too exhausted to blog or let ya know. And then the week prior, I was attending a conference and the hotelier was stingy about wireless services, so I gave up.

Now since I've been away, some funny and not so funny things have transpired.

Did you all watch the presidential address last night? I caught it from the beginning on the ABC network. The cadets looked sleepy, I don't drink coffee, but a cup of something would have been right on time to perk our servicemen up. Even a few senior officers were caught trying not to doze off. Hilarity! speaking of Hillary, this is the first time since the Democratic campaign when she wasn't caught looking so damn tired. Perhaps the fact that not so lil' Chelsea is gettin' married is enought to spring life back in to Mama.

OMG, Tiger damn Woods. This story is a trip and I have to share why. Back in the day, maybe sophmore year in college there was a loud ass black woman in my class. Let's call her Bonita. Bonita was in her 30s at the time and desired to finish school to propel vertical movement in her career and set an example for her teenage daughter. So back then, when Tiger was the prince of golf and not the King he has become to be - she shared her two cents on him. "How the hell is Tiger dating the nanny?" IDK, 'cuz he like her. "Well, if Ms.Scandinavia had been a sista, she' have to be of the Jack & Jill variety, impeccable parental credentials ,...." and I tuned out of the conversation from there. Be'cuz to Bonita, she was right and sometimes hearing her two cents on things was the comedic relief needed at the end of the long ass psych class. So, you have to know I had flashbacks about Bonita, when Tiger's story broke out. tee hee tee hee You know jilly from philly always said ev'ry thing ain't for ev'rybody! So, what I would like to say to Bonita is sometimes your rant was much ado about nothing!

poor Sheila Dixon?!? Sheila Dixon is the mayor of Baltimore. What happened???... I have yet to hit up my friend who has ties to the Baltimore establishment and get some inside scoop. Before I share my two cents, let me remind folks of a few things. If you owe Uncle Sam and it's not an exorbitant amount, let's say $500 he'll allow you to repay him back. How do I know? I know several people who owe Uncle Sam and they're on a plan to pay him back. I know folks who missed paying in their rent on time and caught up by the following month-penalties incurred, but all is good. So, Mayor Dixon was found guilty of spending $500 giftcards meant for the poor in Baltimore. And the giftcards gifted to the city came from a developer who was Mayor Dixon's former lover. Ladies, ladies, do we not hear Bellini --- don't eva, eva, eva late a man fcuk up your shit!

Can you believe the Mayor may be suspended indefinitely from finishing her term and could lose her pension over $500 that she could have paid back. Lord, legal fees may crush her.

So, my passport which should have traveled down the east coast last night, is actually traveling now, be'cuz someone's lazy ass in the Passport office could not find the time to get off their ass and handcarry the passport to the mailroom for pick-up which would have guaranteed the courier's delivery today. They have no idea the irate letter waiting for them upon completion of the draft...

And to finish with good news... 28 days 'til the New Year! yaayyyy!

cheers,

Bellini

Feeling Sad?

It seems to be going around like the piggy flu these days. Now that it gets darker earlier more of the folks I know are complaining about being tired and blue. Well like in all things the folks that be have given this feeling a name. They came up with SAD. I know I know, did it really take a team of scientists and some Freudian disciples to develop this term? “Road Rage” and “Sexting” have greater rings to them don’t they? But alas, Seasonal Affective Disorder is running rampant at my good ole government job. People are oversleeping, have a lack of energy and concentration. People tend to over eat when they are SAD. True story-today at Chipotle the woman in front of me order three meat tacos and a meat topped salad. So what, right? Well she got it for “Here” and she ate alone. Now I’m not scientist-but I think that lady was SAD or at least the situation was. As a big girl who enjoys her food-when I feeling the greedies I tend to take my stuff to go. Binging should be done in the privacy of one’s home, in front of the tv with optional or comfortable clothing. *Ahem* But I digress.

So why am I talking about being SAD? Because there is a cure-and I got nothing else this week. How can I say that when Elgin-er Tiger Woods still hasn’t told us if his wife beat him up with his golf clubs?! So the cure for Sadness apparently it is light! My coworker was telling me today that she was hitting up Amazon.com in search of a light therapy lamp for her desk. So I was like “What you talking about co-worker?” To which she enlightened me. She’s been feeling tired and sad a lot lately and she believe that this whole light therapy treatment will be her cure. I wondered if this was really and truly possible. Not some hubbub thrown together by a mystic or one of those hippy people trying to get their insurance company to pay for a trip to Jamaica for medical reasons! So when I got back to my desk I went to go to Google University for a quick lesson. It was like a whole new world ya’ll. I felt like Columbus in 1492, discovering something that had already been found. You would think that this was only big business in Alaska, or maybe part of the lore on par with the Loch Ness monster. But SAD and it’s therapy are real! And adults in places other than California, Florida and the southwest are suffering.

So if you suddenly find yourself feeling sad don’t blame it on the alcohol or the fact that another year is just around the corner and you haven’t accomplished all that you aspired to. I am here to tell you that science, medicine and maybe even the light bulb industry have named your ailment. You are just SAD. Don’t you feel better now that you know what you got? Once the days get longer, or you buy a lamp this feeling will soon pass. Oh wouldn’t it be nice if doctors could prescribe all expense paid trips to Caribbean? Do you think Obama could sneak that into the healtcare plan?

I know I’m an idealist!

See You In Seven

Random Ramblings

This is my first time kicking one of these out... (clear my throat)

1. Found a new blog site to read at leisure that makes you raise eyebrow at times: http://vigilantcitizen.com

2. Realized I love Lady Gaga even though she is VERY strange.

3. Finding the social experiment of Match.com entertaining.

4. Happy and confident that I decided to continue to focus my energy on my passion and not be wooed by Big Corporate America

5. Considered calling an old fling after watching him on TV last night... decided against it. The past is the past.

6. I still miss Mr.

7. Finally got rid of cable so now I can seriously consider renting my own artist studio space.

8. I don't really want to go home for Christmas, does that make me a bad daughter?

9. Sometimes I wish booty calls didn't exist especially when they actually wake you up.

10. I ate too much on Thursday... working out with a cold is going to kill me this week.

Much luv until next week peace :)

P.S. Did I really have a crush on this guy in the '90s?

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