The Dates of Hazzard

So, once when I was about 17 years old, my older cousin who is like a big brother to me, remarked the following whilst I was driving, “you drive on the offense, like you’re waiting for things to happen. You need to learn how to drive defensively and anticipate their actions. You know you gotta drive for the other people.”

So for some reason this has been one of those things that stuck with me and while it definitely made me a better driver – as I debate daily whether to remove myself completely from this dating pool, or just stick my feet in, or stay in the shallow end (can’t get my hair wet), or just say f-it and cannon ball on in – my cousin’s words have me thinking not about driving, but dating. Now follow me as I beat this metaphor like a dead horse (oh wait that’s a simile) and get my Carrie Bradshaw on and ask the following: Do you date on the offensive or the defensive?

Now after having this epiphany, I had to figure out what in the hell I was tryna say – cause when I tried to told Minty and Dark n Stormy about this concept, they were both like, “say whaaaa?!?!” Stormy immediately recognized the offensive dating part. Minty could kinda see where I was going with it. But what I was thinking was…

Defensive dating involves bringing all your past baggage, hurt, pain, pre-conceived notions to the next person you meet/encounter/exchange numbers with/go on a first date with/start to dig/wanna maybe build something with. And the next person. And the next. Anticipating their moves, in the same way you just knooow that erratic driver you been watching weave through lanes is gonna jump in front of you and not use their blinker – so you fall back a little to give them needed space while simultaneously cussing em out, “like so you just gonna get over huh?” Even though you knew it was coming! So yeah you just know that this nig is not gonna call you when he says he will. Can’t be trusted. Is full of bull followed by that ish. Will probably cheat on you. Wants to hit it on the first night (well that one’s probably true). Tee hee. But here you go doing the dating for them.

Stormy brought the idea of offensive dating into focus and I’ll spin it like this, that here in this modern day, post the one house phone and no call waiting era, when public phones are non existent, and when strangers can see each other without leaving their living rooms, there are women adhering to traditional dating methods. A man needs to ask me out. He needs to call me. He needs to choose me. I'm not gonna put myself out there. Oh no. Before I do that, I'd rather just stay home and wait for my man to come a-knocking. Well unless it’s gonna be the pizza guy – logic says you need to get out in the world.

And not necessarily go for every guy you see – but place yourself in situations that you enjoy (lectures, art shows, the club, happy hours, volunteer activities) and if there's a guy you fancy, step to him, see if there's mutual interest (don't be no fool now and start sweatin him - key word is mutual), but don't be afraid to put in some effort, make it known that you're available – I’m just guessing here of course because obviously I’m still single – but I feel compelled to follow in the steps of other single Black women and develop random/common sense type dating theories to share with the masses. Now, y'all me know if it works! And be sure to give me a shout out in the wedding toasts!

There are obvious problems with both approaches. Offensive dating leaves things up to chance. And while timing is a huge factor in finding the “one,” um, you have to leave the house. The same way you have to keep your eyes on the road and notice that there are cars up ahead that are braking before the car in front of you brakes. Defensive dating is dangerous because…well the reasons are pretty clear – I mean you’re not getting to know the person in front of you if you bring all the other peope who done did you wrong to the first date, hello, or smile. It’s like, maybe the car will surprise you and not just hop their happy ass on over. Maybe they’ll signal. And maybe they’ll give you the wave! Hey now! Wasn’t that a pleasant surprise?

I can say that there are times when I've done both. Sat on the sidelines, on some Jesus work it out and send me a man. And I've made presumptions and assumptions when I finally am with a man. If there's a happy medium, I haven't developed a clever name for it yet - but it involves dating with both eyes on the road, being actively on the lookout for others, and being willing to let them in.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

petty pioneers

time to venture to the wild, wild, west

at times we must reference history to understand the current musings of our days... back in the early 19th century, Americans wanted to expand and the promises of the gold rush was all it took for some to head west. quixiotic narratives of pioneers heading west and the trials and tribulations they endured, all stories surmised that the prioneers were big, bold, and brave...

and fast forward 200 years...

and you have the Southwest, the rust belt, retirement haven, causing some fuss - ok let's just isolate Arizona. Governor Jan Brewer, Senator John McCain and Co. figured they'll exercise state rights and firmly establish a police state. The Economist interviewed Arizona state senator, Mr. Russell Pearce, masterminder of Arizona's law, opines that the law "removes the handcuffs" from the police and sheriff deputies so they can do their work. Moreover he states, "illegal is not a race; it is a crime." Well aren't you crafty with words.

Little did Arizona know - that they will cause national ruckus or did they. Chief rabble rouser, Reverend Al is ready to bring it to the wild, wild, west. Let me ask this, where is Telemundo in all this? granted they're probably communicating in Spanish and I don't tune in for their regular programming. And all the nuyoricans in New England - what's up? and the Cubans in Miami. Now, the Chicanos in Texas and Cali are ready for this spirited fight. But I'm saying the Hispanic community, what's up?

According to the Economist, Arizona Latinos comprise 30% of the state's population and yet only 12% of the electorate. Interestingly enough, Hispanic American families who have lived here for generations are ambivalent. Unfortunately, they are either indifferent or don't care about their brethren south of the border. So, which one is it - (a) you're white and life is alright, (b) be'cuz you don't speak Spanish anymore - it's a technicality you happen to be Hispanic/ Latino, or (c) the onus is on the illegal immigrants to figure out the American way?

Some jewels of wisdom to our Latino brethren, if black folks make up 12% of the population nationally, and yet will shout, holler, and talk to death about issues, like we comprise 50% of the population nationally - then i need ya'll to beat your feet, cha cha the maracas, or do whateva to be heard.

cheers,

Bellini

Destined to Be...

Do ya’ll remember that scene in the Matrix when Neo is speaking with the Oracle and she says something to the effect of “Later you are going to wonder if I really foresaw what I told you, or because I told you this that is why it happened.” I am sure I am misquoting all up and down, but it’s been like a decade since I’ve seen that movie. But the line, or the gist of the line kind of stuck with me. How much is this life is predestined and how much of it changes because of our actions…and are the two working in tandem? Now it is too late in the day to swim in the deep end of the meaning of life. But my believes on destiny verses sheer determination have evolved over the years and when I heard the following story it gave me pause…

My man friend who has a single male church friend (we’ll call him Church Boy) in his late 30’s who has never been married, but would like to tie the knot one day. On paper, Church Boy has never been married, no children, working on his PhD, currently working on being a multiple homeowner and is an avid health freak. By my friend’s accounts Church Boy isn’t crazy… so that qualifies Church Boy as a catch! So why is this man single? Asked all the single ladies. Well the answer is a little tricky, because there could be a myriad of reasons, but bear with me. A couple years ago while attending a church workshop a prophetess told Church Boy that he would marry a short dark skin woman with natural hair. But Church Boy tends to date tall light skin women with long relaxed hair…because that’s what he likes. So how can this be? Should this even be believed? When my friend told me this story I wanted to ask if the prophetess was a short dark skin woman with locks (tee hee)…because I don’t put nothing pass church folks, especially single, never been married women!

To a degree my friend thinks Church Boy believes this prophesy because of his lack of a wifey and personal belief that he is a catch. But would Church Boy even have entertained this-destiny or not-if someone-a prophet for that matter-hadn’t told him so? My dad often said that he could have told me my middle name was Mudpie because how would I have know any better? Short answer-I wouldn’t until I learned to read and saw my birth certificate!

So maybe this post is less about destiny and determination, but more about trusting the source of our information. Surely if my friend had told Church Boy the same vision of his future wife, Church Boy would have scoffed, laughed and then asked him what he was dranking on. Just like if my friend Sally Lu from down the street had told me she knew my middle name was Mudpie I wouldn't have believed her for a second! I would have told her my middle name was Princess, and I was rubber and she was glue…so she was the Mudpie!

So the question of the day is…in this world of instantaneous gratification, internet, charlatans and photoshop how will we know who to believe and what we should believe in? I hope we aren't just destined to be fooled.

See You In Seven

The List

Sometimes over the weekend I allow myself to watch a show I consider non-sense to give my over thinking mind a break, knowing that, all that is going to happen is that I end up thinking some more about something else. This weekend I watched "What Chilli Wants" and let's just say I won't be watching another episode unless somebody forces me to, after telling me every detail of the episode. I understand making some money from the show and match-maker chick pushing her book and match-making skills but I am just not interested. This whole searching for man topic is old and exhausting. I am not sure what is going on right now... whether this is a conspiracy for black men to get black women to lower their standards so they could get a black woman to give them the time of day or a major distraction from what really going on in the world. What IS this?! I am having a hard time understanding why this is the next issue under attack with our race. Are black women secretly taking over the world and therefore they need to start making us doubt ourselves in efforts to slow us down. I say bring the change if this is the case!

A big point in the show is this list that Chilli has and how her man needs to meet most of them. The discussion of list always cracks me up and I am not even quite sure where this list idea came from in general. It made me think, do my friends have lists? And more importantly, what is my list? Again, what is my list? So I started writing and then I realized almost everything I wrote on my list I would compromise given the appropriate circumstance. Does that make me easy? (sigh) Back to the list. Given that I have been down this fall-in-love-get-married-live-happily-ever-after road before, I also wonder whether my list has changed. I don't think it has.

If I had to get to the nuts and bolts of my list it would be...

An emotionally mature individual that understands change, has a desire (fire) to be and do better, eager to learn and to share, respectful of things that are different from the norm, welcomes growth, ambitious, wise, loving, forgiving, sees beyond the aesthetics, views his excuses as personal challenges, supportive constructively and lastly, makes me laugh! This must be consistent.

These are all the things I concluded I just can't compromise on. At first my list was definitely that he needed to have a job, be educated, handsome, etc. but then I realized if you have the qualities listed above all that other things I listed before fall into place. Well at least that is how I see it.

This is how I live myself and I truly believe if I continue to live me life holding true to what I deem important then I will attract those qualities in others. Amaretto is always telling me that I attractive negative folks but I think I attract negative and positive personalities. My problem is I have yet to learn how to filter. How do you tell Mr. Handsome peace out, when he keeps calling? He knows the criteria (aka the list) but he does a lousy job at fulfilling them. The problem is he isn't consistent. What is a girl supposed to do with that? Well in the the friend/acquaintance box you will stay. I can't grant you the job just because you are attractive hence why those items don't exist on my list. (sigh)

Much luv until next week... peace :)

My Latest, Greatest Inspiration

As Wednesday evening drew to a close, Minty mentioned that Steve Harvey was gonna be on Nightline. I guess I was the only Black woman who didn’t know about this, so I genuinely asked, “for why?” For a discussion on why Black women are single of course. Of course. And since I was gonna be off on Thursday, I decided to tune in.

Y’all. There are no words. And yet there are many words. Other than the fact that I think the media and the man have conspired to keep putting out these stories, so Black women will just kill themselves, thus eliminating the Black race – I also think it’s a shame that these are the voices that are speaking on this issue. I mean W.E.B. DuBois wrote that the problem of the 20th century would be the color line. Ida B. Wells spent a good portion of her life writing against lynching. James Baldwin came with the fire next time.

But apparently in the 21st century, the issue that is most pressing for Black folk is not education, it's not crime, it's not economics - nope. It's why are all these single, successful Black women single? And for the answers. Let's go to the "experts" - Steve Harvey, Sherri Shepherd, Hill Harper, Jacque Reid, and some random dude with dreadlocks. Yes, I think this is what Dr. King was talmbout when he said he had seen the Promised Land – his vision clearly involved a national platform for Negroes to look foolish. Now that's equal opportunity. We done arrived y'all!

But aside from alladat. The one word that kept being repeated was ‘potential’. You just need to find yo’self a man with potential. Never mind that this is never really described – it’s just this vague notion - like ignore that man's bad credit, two baby mamas, and prison record - and pay attention to his business plan scribbled on that cocktail napkin. He has potential! And when an example is needed, well we can just pull out the trusty Obamas. Don't you see, Black women, Barack had potential? Every Black man just might be a President in waiting. Umm…no. As Sherri pointed out – he also had/s a Harvard Law Degree. And dare I say a plan? So, this leads me to repeat a kernel of wisdom I heard recently –

AMBITION IS DIFFERENT FROM POTENTIAL!

I mean in theory, if we are all God's chillun, then we all have potential to be great. But do we all have the ambition to get there? Me thinks not.

But what I have really been wondering about (mainly due to traumatic events that have happened in my own "love" life) is how much can a partner influence or inspire someone to be "great?" Or to fulfill their potential? This is a debate that MJ and I have all the time. I feel like there's a fine line between supporting someone’s dreams and dreaming for them. Here are two examples that come to mind.

Scenario A: Y’all remember how on Girlfriends (yeah I don't have cable), William wanted to be Senior Partner, but he just couldn’t quite get there. Enter Monica. As William remarked, she was the, “right, conniving woman by his side.” First of all she went after him knowing that he had “potential”. And then once she got him, she pushed him. Hoard. Urged him to think bigger. Dream more. Smooth talked her way to having him host that Christmas party for the partners. And then said, “when you become President….” To which he replied, “I could never become President.” And she went on about how he wasn’t built for a life of mediocrity - that he deserved more. So I ask, did he always want more? And just didn't know how to get it on his own? If he hadn't gotten to be Senior Partner, would he have kept pressing or settled? Did she dream for him? Or were these dreams all his own and he just needed her to help bring them to fruition?

Scenario B: My cousin was in his thirties living an aimless life. Waiting tables, drankin and smokin hard, fake taking a college class here and there. Some woman (and because of Bellini’s post this week – I’ll set the table and say she is Anglo) came along and fell in love with him. I mean my cousin is intelligent, funny and has a sparkling personality. But once they got together she was clearly unhappy with his lack of goals. Now while he had kept saying to us, “I’m gonna go to nursing school. I will.” It wasn’t until he hooked up with her and she made her intentions known – marriage and babies and this waiting tables ain’t gon fly – that he actually enrolled in school and is doing great. They are both living with his mama (my aunt), have both stopped smoking, are saving money, and have plans to move to the West Coast where she’s from when he’s done with school and has secured employment. So, did my cousin have the potential and just needed someone to help direct him? Was there ambition hidden somewhere inside him and she had to dig deep and find it? Or maybe it was perculating on the surface and she knew what to do with it. And dare I ask, if a Black woman would have even glanced in his direction if he had stepped (like literally stepped cause he doesn't have a car) to her after clearing her plate from the table.* Heh.

So can you inspire someone to be great? Or must they have a desire (that mayhap they kept hidden from the world for fear of ridicule) and you're the first person to come along and say, 'no you can do this.' But more importantly - I will help you get there. This seems like a very wobbly table on which to build your relationship. And I always thought that true partnership involves both people encouraging each other to swim a river, climb a hill, reach for the stars. And taking turns to give each other a needed push to keep going. But of course that's the ideal. And I don't know if I have time for alladay cause my clock is a'tickin. So, today, I'm gonna be like a Tyler Perry character, soften my skrongness, and find the potential in the gold tooth, kinda short, got three daughters he's trying to get custody of from his crazy baby mama, UPS man, named Jamal. With me by his side, we fina take over the world y'all! Watch out now...

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*The only good thing that came out of the Nightline discussion was the following story - that back in the dizzay, Hill (allegedly - I'm still givin him the o_O) whilst he was waiting tables, just tryna get one acting gig, approached Sherri at a Taco Bell. And she said, "you ain't even pull up in nothing. I need a man who's pulling up in something." Sherri tried to explain herself, talmbout she was saving money for a car and was on some 'how we gon' get round on your bus pass?' So she couldn't go for that. So Hill came back with, "but I had potential." Ouch! And the crowd coes wild as if Holyfield has just won the fight. :-)

why can't sherri find a man?

by now you've all probably seen that excuse for real dialouge: nightline face off -- why successful black women can't find a man?

so what did you think?  really i wanna know.  i could write a post discussing the ridculousness of it all but i'd rather read your comments.

i do have a few takeaways:

1.  sherri shepherd is evil, EVIL!!! (in Marcus' voice from Why Did I Get Married?).  she is bitter and angry and should never ever ever ever (ever ever) speak for single black women again.

2. why can't a discussion about black women and getting married include black psychologists, sociologists, writers, thinkers, happily married only 1 or even 2 times (i'm lookin at you Steve), non-dysfunctional folk?  the people on the panel had no credibility in my opinion, no knowledge base to tell any single person about getting and staying married.  vsb p said it best:

 Having suspect ass “dating experts” tell suspect ass single women why they can’t get a man

Steve Harvey, Hill Harper, and Jimi Izreal? Really? Sherri “my hips are too gone to box with God” and Jacque “How’d I End Up On this Panel” Reed? Overmarried, undermarried and overmarried?  Oversingle and Ovaries on fire? Really Nightline? You gonna tell Black women they can’t find a man by having a bad comic, a gay dude, and a dude who’s shirt hates women chop it up with two women who can’t find a man for good reasons? That right there, ninja? That sh*t right there?

Is just disrespectful.

3. i hate when people say things to sound deep but just end up repeating some cliche or "reframing the question/issue/topic," making you scratch your head like huh?   for example: helena andrews prolific soundbite: blah blah blah the question shouldn't be why can't successful black women find a man, it should be can we find each other?  ahhhh yessss.  that's it.  the bitch is the new black has solved our relationship problems.  we asking the wrong questions.

what say ya'll?

The All American Team

A Message from Amaretto: Greetings and salutations all! It's been one of those weeks where I have spent countless hours and dollars dealing with various departments of motor vehicles and have concluded that customer service has been replaced by sheer evil and it's cousin stank a** attitude! While I'm still processing my DMV tramas I bring you a post from A MAN... Our dear ole pal and sometimes possible Mudslide!

Enjoy! See You In Seven


Being a fan of all types of sports, I often enjoy a few games of basketball, watch the baseball World Series and indulge in a few NFL games a weekend during the season. I couldn’t help but notice the change in all 3 of the major American sports. I’m not talking about the change of rules, uniforms, player athleticism, or lack of discipline… but rather the change in the race of the each sport’s SUPERSTAR.

No disrespect to my Latin and Asian brethren and sisteren-but for this post I’m really focusing on the white and black players, especially since these two races have been stewing in the American melting pot for awhile now.

Baseball – America’s favorite pastime? Where are all the negroes???? Gone are the days of black superstars like Willie Mays, Jackie Robinson, Hank Aaron, and Reggie Jackson or more recent stars like Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds (wait, scratch off Barry), Darryl Strawberry. (that’s really been all the superstars in the last 20 yrs…really). Currently the game is completely being dominated by people from the Dominican Republic, Cuba and white Americans. The numbers of black Americans (not just superstars) has dwindled enormously. My prediction: in 10-15 years there will be no black Americans in baseball.

Basketball – Ummm… white American superstars don’t exist here. On to the next…

Football – Football may contain the most diverse group of superstars out of all three sports. But if you really look at it… the positions in football are not all that diverse. If you need someone to run the ball… get a black guy. If you need someone to throw the ball, get a white guy. If you need someone to hit or cover – black guy. Kicker, blocker or big 300lbs+ guy – white dude. If you don’t believe me, take a glimpse at the NFL draft this week or reflect on this past Super Bowl (booooo Saints). Show me a white superstar running back or a hall of fame black QB in the last 20 years. Yes, there are few current exceptions to the good black QB like Donovan McNabb and...ummm…well…Donovan McNabb. And white running backs?? Heck, forget a white superstar running back, show me a starting white running back!

Okay, but back to basketball. Jordan vs. Bird and Magic vs. Bird. Seriously, who has there been since Larry Bird... maybe John Stockton from the Utah Jazz? The USA Olympic team hasn’t had a single white guy on the Olympic team since Stockton in 1996 and he was the only one…the rest were black. In the last ten years, the NBA All-Star game has had only 4 white American players out of 267 (2 of em played in the 2010 game). However, there have been plenty of European players selected for the All-Star game and of course they play for their own countries during the Olympics. You can’t tell me that there aren’t any whites guys that can play ball. The NCAA is full of em, but somehow and for some reason they don’t make it to the NBA. Yes, I’ve heard that white guys can’t jump, but Europeans don’t really jump out the gym either and there are more of them in the NBA than whites. So I guess I have to plan to wear a Bird throwback jersey indefinitely if I’m going to cheer for a white superstar in the NBA.

For America to be the big melting pot of races, and with sports having a huge impact on our economy and culture, we really don’t have a good representation of white and black folks. Maybe this is all in my dream world of sports… to have a team of black and white American superstars across the board. Aren’t we all just people? Black men can throw footballs just like white men can dunk, but our professional sport teams don’t support this idea. I guess this is a reality that I have to accept, not expect much change.

At least tennis, golf, boxing, auto racing, soccer, hockey and in the other Olympic sports there is a pretty even race representation... it’s just unfortunate that I see this race melting on the teams for other countries. Maybe one day I'll live to see an all American team!

Mudslide