a special day

do you know what today is?
it's our anniversary!

the 5 spot is 2 years young ya'll!

on october 1, 2007, dark and stormy opened the door and shared her feelings of being a grown woman. amaretto unlocked the secret to saving relationships: cups. as always, bellini spoke to the ladies about keeping themselves right and tight. i pondered the gloriousness of the rubberband man and rum punch closed out that first week with a post that epitomized what the view from here is all about.

women navigating our twenties in search of peace, happiness and love (or not). writing about everything and nothing. from the insane to the mundane; you will find different paths taken, lessons learned and lives lived.

over the past 2 years each of us has grown up and out in ways that we could not have imagined on october 1, 2007 when we set out to create this here blog. jobs changed, cross-country moves made, loves gained and lost (or snatched by b&b's), houses bought, trips taken, new friends made, daiquiris consumed, and most of all lessons learned. i for one have enjoyed the ride and i hope you have to.

ladies, raise your glasses! let's celebrate!

it's our anniversary!!

take no prisoners

After giving you guys a nice summer reprieve, it's time to talk that political ish. Considering there's some type of election to be had in November for all of us. And since my interim report (100 days recap), I haven't given ya much... until now. Where do I start?

How is it... with unemployment rising, continued dissatisfaction with Medicaid, and most folks wish they could cut their health insurance premium or increase their benefits package -- that-- surveys on Americans viewpoint on the President's actions on healthcare are poor? Oh, and what about the genius that is Cokie Roberts shared a few weeks ago on This Week w/ George Stephanopolous (did i spell that right) did the elderly on the picket lines swearing Uncle Sam not to intervene with healthcare-have amnesia to the fact that Medicaid is a government program?!!< hmmmmm... and President's Carter theory isn't exactly airtight. Now don't get me wrong he's picking up on some amorphous, nuanced, subtle innuendo but that abstract notion can't be quantified nor is it tangible. So, it's credibility is undermined.

back to the drawing board...

Now I don't know who the President designated as his pushaman... Memo to pushaman: If you're reading this today, you're doing a pisspoor job! Unequivocally. This healthcare issue should have been a slam dunk -- ok I kid -- at least a glide to do a few layups and hit nothin' but net from the 3-point line. You feel me?

The amalgam of high unemployment and other factors I've mentioned should have folks on the picket lines. Instead, we have nuts on the picket lines, at the town hall meetings, etc. And who is naive in the Administration that felt lax in defining the President's vision on healthcare in crafty, yet meaningful soundbites.?!?!
Tell me who?

Obama acolytes have we not learned anything from Clintonites? dammit when the Clintonnites were down everybody knew it was time to fight back-- a la take no prisonsers variety. When it comes to healthcare, how come I only feel like its the Commander-in-Chief that is fighting back? shit even Jordan needed Scottie Obama acolytes where you at? Where was the blitzkreig effort when the siege of town hall meetings received 24 hour coverage on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, therby coercing the tone and message of the national dialogue on healthcare. And why do we have comments like this, "When it comes to ... health care, no one is completely happy. Everyone has a complaint. And nobody understands the way the current system works, only that it doesn't work very well. Washington Post" But see, this is where the Administration has failed, "[There is]support [to] reform... the system ... But [Americans] h[ave] stopped paying attention once the "ridiculous shouting matches" and "death panel nonsense" came to dominate the debate."

"These are the people President Obama counted on to give his signature health-care reform effort the grass-roots oomph it needs to get through Congress. But no one ... has taken his or her private frustrations to a public meeting; no one has lobbied a lawmaker."

That shit is problematic folks.

Mr. President when you return from Copenhagen (hoping you're successful in wooing the International Olymbic Committee to allow Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics) you need to provide your staff a pep talk and tell your pushaman to get with the program. Or buy bye...

cheers,

Bellini

What Do You When...

So what do you do when the man you are dating tells you that he pays child support for a child that isn't his? And said child is 3 years old. What do you do when he also shares that he will tell the child he isn't her father if she asks why he is no longer with her mother.

This is the situation my friend has found herself in. Friend and I are of similar thinking that honesty-the sooner the better-would be the best for this child and her older sister.

What does it say about this man who is willing to pay for at least the next 15 years but also willing to withhold key information from this child and the child's bio dad. Shame is also spread to the mom who concieved said child while he was over in Iraq making that good contractor money so she could have her dream house! Some women are truly low down ya'll!

Anyways I told my homegirl that this was too much drama and she should run screaming into the night away from this dude... But that might be too extreme.

What are your thoughts?

See You In Seven

What do you say, Courvoisier? (Part 4)

Dear Courvoisier,
I want to know why an intelligent young lady, like myself gets kind of crazy after hooking up with a man who has rocked her world. It is not like I am one to easily fall in love but every once in a while someone comes along and puts it on me where it takes me a day or two to recover. Lord help me, if I act upon these urges and call asking for a second helping… it is seems to make the situation worst. I am not sure why I act this way knowing that I am not even interested in pursuing a relationship any further. Why do I get sprung so easily?
Sprung

Well, I am no expert but here is what I have to say. Sounds like homeboy made your oxytocin stock sky rocket! It is okay but note, this is NOT happening because you love him. Oxytocin is like the scientific excuse for why we women are sprung. It exists for men too but their testosterone seems to level it out so they don’t have the clingy effect afterwards. Lucky! It is a hormone that is released during sex or breast feeding that allows you to form a bond. (Hill mentions this in his book also… so if you haven’t read it consider this another nurge. Chuckle)

I say this with the funniest bone in my body, it is important for a woman to know this is a possible reason for wanting to hold onto the man you just met and hooked up with last night. We aren’t all whores (chuckle) well maybe some of you are. (chuckle)

Try on some of these for practice when your oxytocin won’t chill out…

1. Hit the gym or go for a walk. Get some of the other hormones going... and keep them going until you can’t anymore from the pain. (chuckle)
2. Every time you think to invite him over, call a girlfriend. Talk her head off about him or anything. Just don’t invite him over just yet. I haven’t figured out what to do if he hunts you down… you on your own with that one. (chuckle)
3. Pick back up that hobby of yours. You do have a hobby right? (chuckle)
4. Drink one glass of wine… just enough to take off the edge but not enough to make you call. (chuckle)

That’s all I got, hopefully the other four can help you with more suggestions.

Much luv until next week with low levels of oxytocin… peace :)

Dam, dam, dam James

So last week Dark & Stormy, y’all remember her right? Riight. Anyway. Last week she sent me this blog post. So basically the writer starts off talking about how beavers "pair up for life and take on the world, with its harsh environment and lurking predators, together." You know building dams and such.

The writer goes on to discuss how her grandparents were married at 20 years old, lived in a room in one of their parents’ home, had kids, saved enough money to buy some land that they leased out and then, "they basically went all beaverish in a rural outpost in the southwest corner of Georgia. They 'dammed up' some land and made a living for generations to come. " And then she wonders if in a day and age when everyone has to have their ish together before they take that big step – will our generation see our golden anniversaries? I mean let’s keep it real, will we see silver anniversaries?

Now anyone who knows me in real life, knows that in an ideal world, I’m all about building dams. So when I expressed my glee over this post, Dark & Stormy said, “but aren’t you doing the exact opposite?” Which is true – I have an undergrad degree, a grad degree, a real ‘job’, bout to be homeowner, etc., etc. And I said, “sure by design. Cause I have to eat. And I’m tired of living at my mama’s house. But if someone I really wanted to marry was like ‘yo let’s get this money TOGETHER,' I’d be all over it.” And I would. But that's not my reality right now.

Now usually when I lament the single life on this here blog, I tend to get a tad overly“bitter” and sorrowful. This is mainly done for effect. I mean it’s like I do be feeling this way, but I don’t stay feeling this way. It’s usually a passing feeling cause something seemingly dramatic has happened in my life to trigger that emotion. And I'm operating on a heightened level and y'all get to hear all about it on Friday! But…

As I get closer to being a homeowner and have been the roller coaster ride that is the home buying process, I realize there’s a reason why people wait til they’re a two to buy a home. There’s a reason why it’s just couples on the HGTV show House Hunters – notice the plural. And why the other HGTV show Property Virgins usually features newlyweds looking for their “dream” home. This house hunting/buying/owning mess is hard. No, it’s arduous. It’s annoying. Frustrating. Oh how I wish I could say, “honey. I have to work. Could you meet the home inspector?” Or, “honey. I’ma need your half of the money for that down payment.” Or, "honey. Can you believe the ish the seller is putting us through? Let's cry on each other's shoulders..."

And when I am going through, all up in, with what has got to be the biggest moment in my life thus far, when I must press on as a one, it makes me feel so conflicted. I’m proud of myself for taking this huge step, but at the same time, I’m like um should I really be taking this huge step alone? Like for real. Do I really need to own a home by myself at the ripe old age of 28? It’s not like I have kids who need a back yard to play. My parents aren’t kicking me out the house. But it feels like, if not now, (when interest rates are low and Obama is handing out 8 stacks) then when? When someone comes to sweep me off my feet and take me away from all this? Ha. These aren't the good ol’ days when people go courtin’ on they porches.

And then I get a little sad cause this is the reality for so many single, childless Black women, who unlike our white counterparts who think them being unmarried is a fluke and the one is still out there – we stop thinking there is a one all together.* And move on accordingly. Climb that corporate ladder. Be that church lady who stay going to everythang. Dress up wayy too fancy to be going out to Friday night dinners with just the girls. Travel the world with our sorors. Become some lil' child's play auntie.** We press on, heads held high, refusing to settle. Still holding out to be wives first, then mothers. Find ourselves dealing with silly nigs on the daily who aren’t ready to build dams together. And yet when we complain about the loneliness/fearfulness/wtf of our situation for two seconds, two seconds, we hear the same, “girl, live yo' life” refrain.

And so we go and do just that. Live our lives. And try to build our own dams alone. The best we can. But sometimes on the hard days, when there's no one to turn to. No one's shoulder to cry on -and daddies don't count. Mamas don't count. Best friends don't count. No one to bring you some wood to contribute to the dam. When you take inventory of your life - and like a never been married 50ish year old woman at Bible Study said the other night, "you go to your empty home on a Friday night and you ain't got no man, no kids, and you working a job you hate. Well..."

Well it's enough to make you want to give up the ghost, put down your wood, walk away, throw up both your hands and scream, damn, damn, damn James! I can't do this no mo'! And then you regroup. Take a deep breath. Return to your senses. And go back to building your life. And take comfort in knowing that you can hire some people to come help you move some of this wood.

That’s my time y’all! Happy Rum Punch Friday!

*My homegirl just told me, "I wonder if I can get used to this, being lonely forever."
** This might be its own post, but I think it's all downhill for single, Black women when we start to be someone's play auntie. Next thing you know 18 years have passed and we're still sending them birthday cards and putting their school pictures on our mantle.

Just cause it's Friday!

growing out too soon?

this sunday's new york times magazine will feature a story about tweens coming out of the closet. the piece shares the stories of middle students across america who are openly homosexual and accepted by their parents and peers.

Austin doesn’t have to play “the pretend game,” as he calls it, anymore. At his
middle school, he has come out to his close friends, who have been supportive. A
few of his female friends responded that they were bisexual. “Half the girls I
know are bisexual,” he said. He hadn’t planned on coming out to his mom yet, but
she found out a week before the dance. “I told my cousin, my cousin told this
other girl, she told her mother, her mother told my mom and then my mom told
me,” Austin explained. “The only person who really has a problem with it is my
older sister, who keeps saying: ‘It’s just a phase! It’s just a phase!’ ”

source

the idea of a 12 or 13 year old coming out to the world and proclaiming themselves gay makes me feel ________. i haven't quite worked out what that blank means. for sure, the heteronormative behavior of your average 12 or 13 year old is not examined, critizied or ridiculed. that is to say that when the average 12 or 13 year old has a crush on the opposite sex or becomes coupled up, eyebrows aren't raised quite as high. although on a side rant, i think they should be since kids that age should be focused on scholastic endeavors and not on romantic entanglements. however i think coming out at such a tender age is dangerous. for what do kids at that age know about any thing, most especially their sexuality? in pushing for equality and equal rights have we steamrolled the growth process of young children; the period when youth need the moral standards of their parents to guide them through the times of uncertainty and experimentation that can be the tween and teen years? the article provides some interesting insight.

what say ya'll?

fraternal allegiance

Enroute to work, as I was channel surfing, I stopped to hear Steve Harvey announce his guest… Toni Braxton.

Now, I am a big fan of Toni… so Toni discusses her debut single off her album Pulse. It is titled “Yesterday”, and it alludes to the fact that her hubby (fomer bandmember of the funkiest band around – Mint Condition) was almost yesterday business. During the interview, Toni informs Steve that she read his book and sought clues to reconciling the 8-year itch (apparently the origin of their problem in the marriage). And Steve, pleaded the fifth on providing commentary because he knows Toni’s husband. Hmmmm…

So, what was going on... the fraternal allegiance. Brothas stick by it… whether the brotha is shameful or shameless. I’m almost in awe. Even if brothas are not privy too the dynamics of the situation… They will stick behind their brother to a fault.

Steve went on to share how he found himself in the same situation with another famous friend, Sherri Shepard from The View. Apparently, Sherri’s husband cheated on her with another woman and impregnated Sherri and the other woman around the same time. And during this time, Steve was a guest on the show, and Sherri seeks Steve’s two cents… fraternal allegiance kicked in … and Steve pleaded the fifth, “ ‘ cuz I know the brotha.” damn so that's all it takes to abstain from communicating?

Amazing…

I remember a few years ago when my friend’s cousin pursued me hard… (my friend and I go back to the tween years). So it was very weird and uncomfortable situation, not only had he been dating his girlfriend for over a decade (they’re married now), but I knew her well enough. It was a totally sticky situation. And the during his pursuit, all he asked, “are you going to tell her?” And I always thought the way his mind worked was interesting. And years later, I have the inkling all his buddies were aware of his shenanigans. And yet, the fraternal allegiance was in full effect. The funny thing is, I have a hunch the girlfriend was aware of the foulness, but she never checked it to my chagrin. Apparently, she held on to the relationship because she reckoned his shenanigans were conducted outside the home and the perks of being in a relationship with him trumped everything else. So, that situation has always stood out as an unacceptable relationship to me.

The concept of a sisterly allegiance is foreign to women; we just don’t get down like that. Maybe for some… we think we’re righteousness and what not…. And for others we’re vindictive and cold-blooded. We just don’t have that happy medium of being content minding our own business (stick with me, I’m playing devil’s advocate here).

I guess my awe factor with men is their moral and emotional detachment more so moral from the situation. Now, I’m not sure how much info Steve was privy too regarding his celebrity buddies, but he was perfectly fine staying out of it. And yet somehow, I can’t seem to reconcile if that’s right?


cheers,

Bellini